CANNES FILM FESTIVAL: DEEESASTERS

So the 67th Annual Cannes Film Festival is currently underway and we have already been witness to some exquisittttttttttttttte fashion moments. Personally, Blake Lively has stolen the show with a close second tie  going to Liya Kebede, Zoe Saldana and Freida Pinto in that mesmerizing Oscar De La Renta coral piece of perfection.

And while there have been some beautiful dresses and some absolutely stunning outfits; there have also been a huge number of EPIC FAILS. Now some people might suggest that these dresses just “did not photograph well”. Let me stop you right there. This is one of my biggest pet peeves after Taylor Swift – you are going to an internationally broadcast event where only about 10% of the people who see your outfit actually see it in real life. I mean I’m sorry but did you miss the sea of photographers calling out your name on the red carpet? The same people you posed for bee tee dubs. It really annoys me when people use this excuse because HELLO PART OF YOUR JOB IS TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED YOU IDIOT. Seriously. This one gets under my skin. Like, come on. You know you are going to be photographed more than you will be seen in real life so do a goddam test shoot. FFS.

Now, I understand that many of the attendees at Cannes are ‘unknowns’ or members of the independent actors circle but seriously. SERIOUSLY. I have had to peel my eyes off the floor after some of these hid-dog-bombs.

If you are new to the red carpet, get some style advice or keep it clean and simple. There are people gallivanting around Cannes like drugged up misfits trying to combine couture and cocaine and IT IS NOT WORKING. There are also way too many try-hards. I don’t know who you think you are with your boobs falling out onto the red carpet but I do not care for you in the slightest. Also, there have been some eagerly awaited ‘comebacks’ – rather don’t come back if you are going to wear something utterly revolting. I mean really, do these people not have stylists? Because I am in the market for a job and these hooligans need someone to give them a piece of advice: DO LESS.

What is even worse is that there are repeat offenders – people who have doing this thing for years. Have we not learnt yet, ladies?

So here we go, get ready for a rollercoaster of ill-fitting, old-fashioned misshapen disasters. And their dresses (hahahahaha, good one).

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One of the anticipated comebacks – Hilary Swank. SERIOUSLY? She looks like an 85 year old wannabe trying to relive her days as a star. Ok maybe that is a bit harsh but really Hils, you are making a comeback not coming back from the dead. Let’s go back to the days of that backless navy blue Guy Laroche beauty ok, please.

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I know she isn’t Nicole Kidman but they’re friends and Australian and Naomi looks like she is channeling her lost 80s punk-rocking teen and it is NOT a good look. at all. worst dressed nominee right here. go hang out with your equally stupidly dressed friend.

Okayyyyyy, this chick. She is one of my original worst. I don’t know why but she irks me. BADLY. So when I saw her in that hideeeeeeous blue mermaid abomination it actually brought me great joy. And I believe in spreading the love so here you guys go – Nicole Kidman looking as bad as usual. Yay.

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these shoes look like something my great granny wore in her dance days.
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the jumpsuit is over J.Law. plus if it doesn’t work on Julia Roberts it isn’t going to work on you, you ninkampoop.

OHHHHH. KAYYYYY. My worst, most hideously underwhelming, what-does-everyone-see-in-this-rat Jennifer Lawrence. She is the face of Dior (how did that happen) and so obvs is always clad in the label that usually creates such beauty but on her I just want to vom. I honestly do not understand why the world loves this chick so much. Look at it this way – Blake Lively is basically the face of Gucci and so most often wears the label and holy balls does she wear it well (seriously. Best dressed nominee in that ox blood Gucci dress for the opening of Cannes 2014). Lawrence gets Dior thrown at her and looks like a hot mess.Maybe I am biased because she is on my list of worst human beings – along with her ruhvolt BFF T. Swift – but really she should be able to produce much better. Gross.

In the spirit of ‘it-girls’ that make no sense to me – here comes model of the moment Suki Waterhouse. WHY. Some fashion critics/bloggers/editors whoevers are saying she is competing for best dressed next to my latest obsession Blake Lively. UM ARE YOU DELUSIONAL? Must be because Suki is so lame. Just look at her. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE GURL?

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and those shoes? and those toes? sies man.
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try cracking a smile there Suks.

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you got the hair and makeup so right. so, so right. but that is all my dear Jessica.

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God/Mother Nature punishing this hideous choice of dress on such a beautiful girl. that’s what happens.
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THIS is how to deal with windy red carpets by the way. flawless.
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was one terrible blue dress not enough? shame

It seems the redheads are not winning (are they ever?) at Cannes. Julianne Moore, come now. Please stay away from colours that make you look like a ghost or at least fire your stylist. Thanks.

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custom LV couture from the man who just wowed Monaco with his cruise collection? WHY WOULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN, NICOLAS GHESQUIERE?

The following faux pas’ are redeemable only because they are one-time things. But then again, one-time things can be equally dangerous so they must be clamped and fined.

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oh no. no no no. no.
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once upon atime this woman was a supermodel.
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‘her dress just didn’t photograph well’. oh shame, didn’t see all those paps you posed for, Paris? also why is Paris Hilton at the Cannes Film Festival?

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brush your hair and put a bra on THIS IS CANNES!

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pretty sure Rosie Huntington-Whiteley just wore this dress to The Met Ball. on your way out, KK.
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I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM SAYING THIS IT IS BREAKING MY HEART. but this is just wrong on you, Lupits. actually I blame Calvin Klein – pretty much everyone who attended his party looked like misplaced trends from the early 80s/2000s – neither a very good time in fashion.

And now for newbies and randoms and people who usually work it but failed. Sorry, but someone has to say it. Thanks Getty images, your tag block on these images actually saves most of them from utter despair.

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put on a tie you shmuck!
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Kristina Bazan, one of my favourite bloggers, looks washed out and boring as hell. this is way too old a look. yuck.
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UNNECESSARY
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this dress on a flat-chested woman probably would have made my top 10. but with those boobs? come on gurl, a little more class a little less cleavage please.
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it’s the stupid shoes. and the sleeves. and the matching clutch. and the stupid matric dance hair. ugh.

 

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go home. and give Cheryl Cole her earrings back.
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sies tog
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I hope you are pregnant under that shapeless drape because that is the only excuse. silly Dior.

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now really,that is a stupid shoulder.
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I just want to know two things: how do you sit down and what happens when you need to pee?
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you know it is bad when your bestie is canning herself behind your back. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

And this one. Just to top it all off. Well done, sir/madam.

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there’s always one.

Thank you Cannes 2014 for delivering some of the worst fashion I have seen in a LONG time. Must be something in the water.

 

Until next time lovelies xxx

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