CFDA AKA WTF 2014

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh deary me.

Fashion has done it again. Chewed up and spit out those sweet souls who are so regularly on my radar of best dressed and well done.

Last night the Council of Fashion Designers of America (CFDA) held its glittering awards ceremony which recognizes and rewards those who have created beauty and contributed to the successful growth and status of the industry. However, outshining (in some cases very literally – and nakedly) the actual awards were the outfits seen on the red carpet. And, as was the case with the Met Ball, some of fashion’s biggest players and most phenomenal figures simply lost it. Like, seriously, freaked out and had a stroke and went to Narnia and only THEN got dressed and ready. WAT DIE HELE FOK JULLE? (I always find Afrikaans comes in so handy in times of utter anger and frustration).

Most of you have probably already seen Rihanna’s outfit/ass and nipples. I know she is Bad Girl Riri but come on gurl. NIPPLES? (And is it just me or are her nipples unusually large and prominent? Sies tog. See – so much better in Afrikaans). The dress is basically a bad combination of Britney Spears’ bodysuit from her glory days at the MTV awards (who can forget when she ripped her tuxedo off and had that shimmery 2 piece) and Toxic music video and Karlie Kloss’ BANGING glitzbomb costume at the VS Fashion Show 2013 – but in a gown with an initially very strategically placed fur shawl and old Hollywood hair and makeup.

Look Riri, I feel you. Chris Breezy just got out of jail and Drake just rapped about another girl/posted pictures of Nicki Minaj on his Instagram and you feel like you need to remind everyone of how drop dead gorgeous you are. But we know already this. I get that you’re edgy and full of sexuality and absolutely bloody magnificent but your whole g-dam ass was on display on that stage. The guy who helped you up to collect your award was checking you out so obviously you can see it without even seeing his face.

On the bright side Ri, you were not alone. There were some dismal failures and very few dresses/outfits that grabbed my attention or stole my heart – which is what fashion is supposed to do. Some of the biggest mishaps were established designers and so-hot-right-now models. Although if you’ve read any of my stuff you will know I have a treacherous relationships with models and It girls. You can do so much with your beauty and nice hair and toned arms and you chose to wear that?? NAH UH GIRLFRAND.

So, on this cold and wet Tuesday I bring you my round up of the CFDA Awards 2014: Best and Worst. But mainly worst. I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.

Shine bright like a diamond indeed.

2014 CFDA Fashion Awards - Arrivals
from this angle, Rihanna loomks like a badass bombshell. like, amaaaaaaaze.
then this happened.
then this happened. and you could still be fooled.

2014 CFDA Fashion Awards - Arrivals

2014 CFDA Fashion Awards - Winners Walk
she got an ass that’ll swallow up a g-string

2014 CFDA Fashion Awards - Show

"inspiration"
bitch stole my look

But Rihanna, who won the award for Fashion Icon (which she admittedly is), was one of many disastrous don’ts on the CFDA red carpet. It is so sad when people go so horribly wrong. Of course there were a few knock outs but even some of the better dressed were not great. How bloody tragic.

So here we are, another week and another blog post on how underwhelmed I am at these events. It is becoming a pattern that I do not enjoy identifying.

Seriously, I am in desperate need of a  job, HIRE MEEEEEEE. But in the mean time, you can just scroll down for less hits than misses. For my own sanity, I will start with the better looks from last night. It’s a shorter list anyway.

2 Broke Girls' Beth Behrs is my top pick. I absolutely LOVE this two piece embossed green creation and that sliver of skin (and abs). Plus she is relatively unknown in the world of fashion so well done to you.
2 Broke Girls’ Beth Behrs is my top pick. I absolutely LOVE this two piece embossed green creation and that sliver of skin (and abs). Plus she is relatively unknown in the world of fashion so well done to you. BEAUT.
bombshell. Blake looks like a sex bomb in this scallop-hemmed mini dress and sixties hair do. KI-LLING-IT
Blake looks like a sex bomb in this scallop-hemmed mini dress and sixties hair do. KI-LLING-IT

blake-lively-michael-kors-2014-cfda-fashion-awards

I love that Chrissy matched her blazer, her dress and the carpet itself. She is so cute.
I love that Chrissy matched her blazer, her dress and the carpet itself. she is so cute.

rachel-roy-chrissy-teigen-2014-cfda-fashion-awards

ashley-olsen-mary-kate-olsen-2014-cfda-fashion-awards
OBVIOUSLY. minus those stupid kitten heels.
coco rocha wearing FASHION
coco rocha wearing FASHION. at least someone did.

coco-rocha-christian-siriano-2014-cfda-fashion-awards

Liya Kebede doing it again. obsessed.
Liya Kebede doing it for me again. obsessed.
the only actual fashion designer who looked like they have a job in fashion. DVF, I salute you.
the only actual fashion designer who actually looked like they actually have a job in fashion. DVF, I salute you and your sunshiney disposition.

slide_352012_3807231_free

alessandra-ambrosio-2014-cfda-fashion-awards

Marion Cotillard | Dior | Structure
Marion Cotillard | Dior

rodger-berman-rachel-zoe-2014-cfda-fashion-awards

olivia-palermo-2014-cfda-fashion-awards
OP working that tassle.
joan-smalls-2014-cfda-fashion-awards
one of the only It girl models I actually love. Joan Smalls and her new bangs.
mira-duma-2014-cfda-fashion-awards1
Miraslava Duma | Perfection
jenna-lyons-2014-cfda-fashion-awards
Jenna Lyons wearing an outfit I am almost certain I have worn before
I think Solange looks pretty beautiful here. plus i am scared she will attack and roundhouse kick me if I say anything bad.
I think Solange looks beautiful here. plus I’m scared she will attack and roundhouse kick me if I say anything bad.

 

And now for those who stumbled into their clothes and got dressed in the dark. Seriously, fire your stylists. Or hire one. FFS.

Iman, you are one of the most beautiful women in the whole wide world. WHY?
Iman, you are one of the most beautiful women in the whole wide world. WHY?
WRONG.
WRONG. so, so wrong.

karen-elson_201357878664.jpg_gallery_max michaal kors

you just lost all that weight and wore this with that stupid haircut? go away J. Hud
you just lost all that weight and wore this with that stupid haircut? go away J. Hud

 

this is so average from Karlie Kloss - who I usually think looks killer. how sad.
this is so average from Karlie Kloss – who I usually think looks killer. how sad.

keri-russell-2014-cfda-fashion-awards

killing me softlyyyyyyyyy. I get that print is huge this season (always) and culottes are the big trend for pants but THIS DOES NOT WORK. Lupits you are letting me down homegurl. stop it. please.
killing me softlyyyyyyyyy. I get that print is huge this season (always) and culottes are the big trend for pants but THIS DOES NOT WORK. Lupits you are letting me down homegurl. stop it. please.

pamela-love-2014-cfda-fashion-awards

oops, she did it again. Chanel Iman has totally lost me as of late. she basically recycles her looks and has this stupid thing going with her hair and makeup. Chanel, you are a young hot thing. dress the part.
oops, she did it again. Chanel Iman has totally lost me as of late. she basically recycles her looks and has this stupid thing going with her hair and makeup. Chanel, you are a young hot thing. dress the part.
anna-chumsky-2014-cfda-fashion-awards
this lady is probably one of those people who believes she was abducted by an alien spaceship when she was younger.

dree-hemingway-2014-cfda-fashion-awards

emmy-rossum-2014-cfda-fashion-awards
Emmy Rossum, WTF? and is your hair crimped? nee fok

rs_634x1024-140602184948-634.klum.cm.6214

bridget-moynahan-2014-cfda-fashion-awards
the dress is beautiful. the colour is beautiful. but that fabric looks like the slightly more expensive textured metallic paper I used to buy from the art shop in PE for Life Orientation projects in Grade 8.

busy-philipps-2014-cfda-fashion-awards

sohpia-bush-2014-cfda-fashion-awards
if this dress were full-length and she didn’t add that necklace; Sophia Bush would have been waaaay further up on this post.

And then those that make the clothes we put in our magazines and dreams. Fashion designers, CFDA members – what possessed you to wear these stupid dresses? The only one that makes remote sense is Betsey Johnson because she is literally cooked and has ALL her screws loose. I mean, the woman cartwheeled into a swimming pool after a show. At least she has some kind of excuse.

tory-burch-2014-cfda-fashion-awards1
Tory Burch in her granny’s prom dress from 1938.

donna-karan-vera-wang-2014-cfda-fashion-awardsbetsy-johnson-2014-cfda-fashion-awards

And, as usual, there is always someone who takes it just a little too far in the hopes of either being hilarious/a comedian or protesting against something to create awareness. Bla bla bla bullshit. you look stupid. Go home.

chris-kattan-2014-cfda-fashion-awards

These events remind me of how most people feel about New Years plans/parties – there is so much hype and everyone is excited for the day to arrive and then it does and it just does nothing for you; letting you down and making you wonder why you thought it would be any good in the first place. At least with New Years you can blame your behaviour on consuming far too much drugs and alcohol, but this is one of fashion’s biggest nights out. A night that literally celebrates fashion and its achievements. And this is what happened.

Shame. I’m done.

 

Until next time xxx

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