Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh deary me.

Fashion has done it again. Chewed up and spit out those sweet souls who are so regularly on my radar of best dressed and well done.

Last night the Council of Fashion Designers of America (CFDA) held its glittering awards ceremony which recognizes and rewards those who have created beauty and contributed to the successful growth and status of the industry. However, outshining (in some cases very literally – and nakedly) the actual awards were the outfits seen on the red carpet. And, as was the case with the Met Ball, some of fashion’s biggest players and most phenomenal figures simply lost it. Like, seriously, freaked out and had a stroke and went to Narnia and only THEN got dressed and ready. WAT DIE HELE FOK JULLE? (I always find Afrikaans comes in so handy in times of utter anger and frustration).

Most of you have probably already seen Rihanna’s outfit/ass and nipples. I know she is Bad Girl Riri but come on gurl. NIPPLES? (And is it just me or are her nipples unusually large and prominent? Sies tog. See – so much better in Afrikaans). The dress is basically a bad combination of Britney Spears’ bodysuit from her glory days at the MTV awards (who can forget when she ripped her tuxedo off and had that shimmery 2 piece) and Toxic music video and Karlie Kloss’ BANGING glitzbomb costume at the VS Fashion Show 2013 – but in a gown with an initially very strategically placed fur shawl and old Hollywood hair and makeup.

Look Riri, I feel you. Chris Breezy just got out of jail and Drake just rapped about another girl/posted pictures of Nicki Minaj on his Instagram and you feel like you need to remind everyone of how drop dead gorgeous you are. But we know already this. I get that you’re edgy and full of sexuality and absolutely bloody magnificent but your whole g-dam ass was on display on that stage. The guy who helped you up to collect your award was checking you out so obviously you can see it without even seeing his face.

On the bright side Ri, you were not alone. There were some dismal failures and very few dresses/outfits that grabbed my attention or stole my heart – which is what fashion is supposed to do. Some of the biggest mishaps were established designers and so-hot-right-now models. Although if you’ve read any of my stuff you will know I have a treacherous relationships with models and It girls. You can do so much with your beauty and nice hair and toned arms and you chose to wear that?? NAH UH GIRLFRAND.

So, on this cold and wet Tuesday I bring you my round up of the CFDA Awards 2014: Best and Worst. But mainly worst. I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.

Shine bright like a diamond indeed.

But Rihanna, who won the award for Fashion Icon (which she admittedly is), was one of many disastrous don’ts on the CFDA red carpet. It is so sad when people go so horribly wrong. Of course there were a few knock outs but even some of the better dressed were not great. How bloody tragic.

So here we are, another week and another blog post on how underwhelmed I am at these events. It is becoming a pattern that I do not enjoy identifying.

Seriously, I am in desperate need of a  job, HIRE MEEEEEEE. But in the mean time, you can just scroll down for less hits than misses. For my own sanity, I will start with the better looks from last night. It’s a shorter list anyway.

 

And now for those who stumbled into their clothes and got dressed in the dark. Seriously, fire your stylists. Or hire one. FFS.

 

And then those that make the clothes we put in our magazines and dreams. Fashion designers, CFDA members – what possessed you to wear these stupid dresses? The only one that makes remote sense is Betsey Johnson because she is literally cooked and has ALL her screws loose. I mean, the woman cartwheeled into a swimming pool after a show. At least she has some kind of excuse.

And, as usual, there is always someone who takes it just a little too far in the hopes of either being hilarious/a comedian or protesting against something to create awareness. Bla bla bla bullshit. you look stupid. Go home.

These events remind me of how most people feel about New Years plans/parties – there is so much hype and everyone is excited for the day to arrive and then it does and it just does nothing for you; letting you down and making you wonder why you thought it would be any good in the first place. At least with New Years you can blame your behaviour on consuming far too much drugs and alcohol, but this is one of fashion’s biggest nights out. A night that literally celebrates fashion and its achievements. And this is what happened.

Shame. I’m done.

 

Until next time xxx