GOLDEN GLOBES 2015: DON’T EVERS

Ohhhhhh goodness. Goodness. Goodness gracious great balls of what the hell possessed you to wear that?

The Golden Globes, held on Sunday, were a fashion catastrophe. Some of you may have seen my previous post and noted a few memorable exceptions but by-and-large the red carpet was filled with terribly tailored, stupidly styled outfit choices that made you wonder if all the fashion advisors to the stars suddenly went on strike and refused to option their knowledge in a secret sabotage to make everyone look like absolute trolls. Right?

It seems that every awards show or event lately has been teeming with lackluster fashion moments (more like fashion blimps) and I cannot understand or explain why. But it SUCKS. The Golden Globes is the start of Awards Season and the precedent by which we judge the sequential ceremonies, winners and fashion hits. If this year is anything to go by, I think I’m about to go into a deep sartorial depression.

Here are my picks for worst dressed at the 72nd Annual Golden Globes. Once again I have broken up the disasters into categories to make it easier (although there is nothing easy about some of these). Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep…

REDS

Ok seriously people, this one really bothers me. You are on a red carpet. A frikkin red carpet and you think it will be a good idea to wear the exact same colour? Are you trying to blend in or just give me nightmares because both are plausible options. Unless you are Lupita Nyong’o in Ralph Lauren at the 2014 Golden Globes, this probably won’t work. You are the weakest link, goodbye.

NO GIRL
NO GIRL

heidi-klum,-golden-globes-2015,-getty__large versace same dress

this is how NOT to do a tea length dress. or anything else for that matter.
this is how NOT to do a tea length dress. or anything else for that matter.
I'm sorry WHAT? This belt looks a cheap plastic thing you bought in 2004.
I’m sorry WHAT? This belt looks a cheap plastic thing you bought in 2004.
YAWN
YAWN

GIRLS premiered its fourth season on HBO the same night as The Globes, a massive accomplishment considering how edgy and controversial the show has been since its pilot. But people love to see the very raw and real world these characters portray, and people also love creator Lena Dunham for making it ok to be overweight, have massive tattoos and be totally out there and weird. So I get it, she’s not going to come down the red carpet in an Elie Saab sparkler or an ultra feminine Monique Lhullier ball gown. But babes, you have so many options with young, cool designers that are pushing the envelope and taking risks with fashion. Plus Zac Posen is one of your besties (this is his dress) and you still cannot get a dress that at the very least fits you? COME ONNNNNNNN. Where is your stylist choosing something flattering? Where is your tailor ensuring that your dress is actually the right size for your body? Gaddamit where is Zac Posen screaming at you for making his brilliant creations look like shit? And for FFS stand up straight! Ugh I cannot deal with you right now Lena.

lena-dunham,-golden-globes-2015,-getty__large

GIRLS co star Alison Williams looksed like a glittery meringue that got its period
GIRLS co star Alison Williams looked like a glittery meringue that got its period

 

MONOCHROME

Black and white is a timeless trend that quite literally never goes out of fashion because it is chic and classic and usually makes you look like a movie star. It is safe, it is usually quite slimming, and hooooly hell it can be boring. These ladies show that sometimes a risk is sometimes a little neccesary. Actually, a lot necessary.

72nd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Robin Wright is so beautiful and could pull off SO much with that banging bod and yet she chose to look like a frumpy house wife from 1981.
Robin Wright is so beautiful and could pull off SO much with that banging bod and yet she chose to look like a frumpy-house-wife-grave-digger from 1981.
so tired. so lame. so kak.
so tired. so lame. so kak.

laura-prepon,-golden-globes-2015,-getty__large

melissa-mccarthy
WHAT THE ACTUAL? No my love, you look like a panda bear that just ate Elton John and his sparkle is still on your neck.
it hurts me to say this because Rosamun Pike usually looks so chic and beautiful, but this is ALL WRONG. I know you just had a baby and I applaud you for being in such good shape only five weeks afterwards; but this Vera Wang dress does not flatter you in any way, shape or form. The bust is too low and ill-fitting, the cut outs make your hips looks 15 times larger than they are (even after giving birth) and sorry but you are too pale for white. This dress should reflect your movie character and be gone, girl.
Rosamund Pike usually looks so chic and beautiful, but this is ALL WRONG. I know you just had a baby and I applaud you for being in such good shape only five weeks afterwards; but this Vera Wang dress does not flatter you in any way, shape or form. The bust is too low and ill-fitting, the cut outs make your hips looks 15 times larger than they are (even after giving birth) and sorry but you are too pale for white. This dress should reflect your movie character and be gone, girl.
kristen-wiig-goldern-globe-awards-january-2015-getty__large
you are literally my hero and I want to be you when I grow up but jeeeeeezus I will not dress like you, Kristen Wiig. Your attempt at gypsy boho cool FAILED. oh, and 1890 called and it wants its fabric back.

A SEA OF SILVER

Sequins and sparkles were a massive trend on the Globes red carpet and a lot of stars opted for beautiful, shimmering silver numbers that really shone through. But these two? Oh no, they missed the boat. In fact, the boat didn’t even exist.

please go back to the space ship you came from
please go back to the space ship you came from

Salma Hayek, I am actually so angry about this one. Firstly, you are a gorgggggeous woman with the most exquisite body. Secondly, your husband owns LVMH which means you have the world of luxury literally at your fingertips and could wear pieces from the most celebrated and respected designers the world has ever seen. Thirdly, you wore Alexander McQueen. AND THIS IS HOW YOU DID IT? Let me break it down for you sweetheart. This dress is far too much fabric for a petite woman. It is heavy and thick and so exquisitely embossed that you actually just need to be so much more than you are. Then you decide that the dress itself isn’t enough? Excuse me? It is vintage McQueen, OF COURSE IT IS ENOUGH. But noooooo, you went and added a cheap plastic belt (don’t worry you aren’t alone on this stupidity), a flower in your hair because you think you’re on the set of Sex and the City the movie or stuck in 2005, a huge diamond bracelet to remind us all how rich you are and prove the theory that money doesn’t buy style and, to top it all off, the signature Alexander McQueen clutch? OMG YOU BITCH. McQueen is probably rolling in his grave due to this insult. You are not a McQueen girl and you botched this incredible dress and now I hate you.

salma-hayek,-golden-globes-2015,-getty__largeROYAL HUES

Blues and purples were also a hit on the red carpet, ideal because they are contrasting complimentary colours that will pop. But some people should not have popped (I’m still reeling over Salma Hayek so forgive me).

Katie Holmes, you are not Rihanna so put that excpetionally long pony tail back where you stole it and go home
Katie Holmes, you are not Rihanna so put that excpetionally long pony tail back where you stole it and go home

 

you could have done so much more Amy Adams

Felicity Jones was nominated for her role in The Theory of Everything but thisdress is the theory of nothing is working for me
Felicity Jones was nominated for her role in The Theory of Everything but this dress is closer to the theory of nothing is working for me
Lana Del Rey you have done too many drugs and you need to realize you are not a mermaid. You look like a cheap hooker trying to be classy.
WTF. Lana Del Rey you have done too many drugs and you need to realize you are not a mermaid and it is not your 80s prom night.

MISCELLANEOUS

These I cannot figure out or categorize and they just make me sad.

I am still trying to figure out why people praise Jessica Chastain as a fashion icon because I have almost never been a fan of her style and she is a prominent figure on my worst dressed lists. This gold Versace number cements her place. People, you need to realize that not every look is going to work on you and not just because of the usual factors like body type or skin tone. You also need to match the style you are wearing in terms of your personality (or brand in Hollywood). Some people are sexy – think J.Lo in that over the top sparkly cape and vagina- high slit. That dress only worked because she wore it, and she is the epitome of sexy. Some people are soft and pretty and reflect that in their fashion choices. I am not saying don’t spice up your life and try something different but acknowledge who and what you are and embrace it. You’ll look so much more fabulous when you do.

jessica-chastain,-golden-globes-2015,-getty__large versace

wait, this hideous dress that looks like someone sewed leftover Spar canvas bags together ad then sold at Green Market Square is Prada? SHUT. THE. FRONT. DOOR.
wait, this hideous dress that looks like someone sewed leftover Spar canvas bags together ad then sold at Green Market Square is Prada? SHUT. THE. FRONT. DOOR.

And then, this happened. My worst dressed of the 2015 Golden Globes (tied for first place with Salma Hayek obvies): Keira Knightley in Chanel. Chanel of all things! It took 30 people over week a make this dress and you know what? That is 30 people too many. Keira looks like a doilly vomitted on her and attracted a swarm of butterflies, including one so hideous and enormous that it ate her hand and replaced the clutch she wore. This is utterly ruh-volting and I hate it so much and it makes me question Chanel and that in itself infuriates me to a point where I actually have to take a step back and reevaluate everything. So thanks, Keira. You’ve driven me to an existential crisis.

keira-knightley,-golden-globes-2015,-getty__large

That is it. I need a minute to recuperate.

Until next time xxx

Haute Hoodlum

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