ACADEMY AWARDS 2015: LUH-HOOOOSERS

Oh, you thought I wasn’t going to post my worst dressed from the 87th Academy Awards just because I was so impressed with the red carpet? You thought that because I was on site on events all day and contracted the Black Plague that I would rid you of your sartorial pleasures by not dishing out harsh criticisms? You thought I would spare those idiots that thought they rocked the red carpet?

THINK AGAIN.

Always, always be prepared for a Haute Hoodlum rant because let’s face it – it’s what I do. Tearing through the mirage of golden gowns and exposing those stupid enough to wear a dress that doesn’t fit and looks terrible and is just plain hideous is one of my greatest strengths (and joys in life). Awards Season is now over and you, my sweet loves, shall be treated to one last worst dressed of the period: The Oscars. Hollywood’s biggest night and, so often, fashion’s biggest failures.

I don’t need to go into detail about the underwhelming nature of expectant red carpets (I realize that sounds like red carpets who are 8 months pregnant but I have the flu so please overlook that) so, for the last time this season, I will leave you with my choices for the train wreck catastrophes at the 2015 Oscars.

Have fun little darlings…

Anna Kendrick prides herself on ebing quirky and weird and alternative but then she shows up on the red carpet looking (pretty but) BORING AS FVCK. c'man gurl, spice it up a little.
Anna Kendrick prides herself on being quirky and weird and alternative but then she shows up on the red carpet looking (pretty but) BORING AS FVCK. c’maaaaan, spice it up a little.
Gwynie, my girl, if you're going to try and remind us all that you're relative please do not do so by wearing a revamped version of your famous other pink Oscars dress with the flower from Carrie Bradshaw's opening look in the Sex and The City Movie on your shoulder.
Gwynie, my girl, if you’re going to try and remind us all that you’re still relevant please do not do so by wearing a revamped version of that other pink Oscars dress worn with the shoulder flower from Carrie Bradshaw’s opening look in the Sex and The City Movie.
Viola, you usually look so exceptionally beautiful but this dress is just ugly and the shape does not do you any justice and the space between the dress and the necklace is just OFF. please go back to being stunning.
Viola, you usually look so exceptionally beautiful but this dress is just ugly and the shape does not do you any justice and the space between the dress and the necklace is just OFF. please go back to being stunning.
sorry, Felicity. you may have had a breakout role in The Theory of Everything; but you know nothing when it comes to fashion. bye.
sorry, Felicity. you may have had a breakout role in The Theory of Everything; but you know nothing when it comes to fashion. bye.

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please note this choice has nothing to do with her dreadlocks (for those who don't know, I am referring to the blow up on social media around Guilianna Rancic's ignorant dreadlocks comment). Zendaya is on this list, not for the first time, because she looks way too skinny and this dress does not fit well and she could do so much better. I actually love her hair, especially for the stuck-up-your-arse-Oscars but the outfit and styling is just a flop.
please note this choice has nothing to do with her dreadlocks (for those who don’t know, I am referring to the blow up on social media around Guilianna Rancic’s ignorant dreadlocks comment). Zendaya is on this list, not for the first time, because she looks way too skinny and this dress does not fit well and she could do so much better. I actually love her hair, especially for the stuck-up-your-arse-Oscars but the outfit and styling is just a flop.

Julianne Moore, I have a bone to pick with you. This entire Awards Season you have been absolutely killing it in the fashion department. You have shown all these young girls how to dress with class and sex appeal and have worn some of the most exquisite gowns I have ever seen. You are also pasty with red hair and yet you have looked INCREDIBLE every single time. You have also won every single time. So surely, suuuuurely, you at least had an inkling that you would win the Oscar. In my mind that means wearing the most sensational dress that flatters you in all the right ways and makes you look like the glamourous, beautiful woman and movie star that you are. So you went with Chanel. A good choice for a winner. But this Chanel? ARE YOU FVCKING KIDDING ME? This dress is the same colour as your above mentioned pasty skin and, albeit exquisite on the runway or on a model, is so completely underwhelming on you. It does not hug your curves or enhance your figure and simply does not make an impact. And that makes me very sad.

julianne-moore,-oscars-2015-red-carpet,-getty__large chanel karolina-kurkova,-oscars-2015-red-carpet,-getty__large marchesa

I love Lady Gaga. I love this dress. I love her hair and makeup. but why, oh why, did she wear those ruh-volthing red latex gloves? did she do the dishes before leaving the house and suddenly realize she was running late? maybe she came from the set of the new season of American Horror Story: Hotel and forgot to leave the props behind. who knows, it just doesn't work. and if it doesn't work on Gags then you know its fvcked up.
I love Lady Gaga. I love this dress. I love her hair and makeup. but why, oh why, did she wear those ruh-volthing red latex gloves? did she do the dishes before leaving the house and suddenly realize she was running late? maybe she came from the set of the new season of American Horror Story: Hotel and forgot to leave the props behind. who knows, it just doesn’t work. and if it doesn’t work on Gags then you know its fvcked up.

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hate her. hate that Vuitton dress. hate that completely unnecessary belt hate her massive forehead.
hate her. hate that Vuitton dress that looks like it is made from the row of colour-changing-in-the-lights sequin material you buy from your local Chinese store. hate that completely unnecessary belt. hate her massive forehead.
UM NO. that Justin Bieber sweep should be left in 2009 where it belongs.
2009 Justin Bieber called and he wants his hair back.
Margot Robbie you are so exquisite and you are wearing Saint Laurent and yet somehow you still managed to look frumpy delumpy. go home and change.
Margot Robbie you are so exquisite and you are wearing Saint Laurent and yet somehow you still managed to look frumpy delumpy. go home and change.

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you know what kills me the most of this hole outfit (and the fact that it is NOT the first time Kelly is on my worst dressed list)? That middle strap on the shoe! this looks like ouma se skoene van die Matriek afskeid.
you know what kills me the most of this whole outfit (and the fact that it is NOT the first time Kelly is on my worst dressed list)? That middle strap on the shoe! this looks like ouma se skoene van die Matriek afskeid.

scarlett-johansson,-oscars-2015-red-carpet,-getty__large versace

Solange, you are the queen of cool. You are a style icon. neither of which are apparent with this monstrosity of an outfit.
Solange, you are the queen of cool. you are a style icon. neither of which are apparent here.

gina-rodriguez,-oscars-2015-red-carpet,-getty__large

too much fabric, too much pull & gathering, not enough beautiful.
too much fabric, too much ruching, too much delicate sparkle that barely makes a sound, not enough beautiful.
this is just the most confusing thing I have ever seen.
this is just the most confusing thing I have ever seen.
BRUSH YOUR HAIR. THIS IS THE OSCARS GADDAMIT.
BRUSH YOUR HAIR. THIS IS THE OSCARS GADDAMIT.

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And then, just when you thought that you had made sense of the pitfalls and wrapped your head around these style sacrifices; this bint arrived looking like a bad comedown. I don’t know who you are or what your deal is, but if you are going to walk the Oscars red carpet then please refrain from looking like a drug-induced prozzie that made her dress out of leftover Asian restaurant curtains and silk from the hotel she snuck out of at 5am.

Until next time xxx

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Haute Hoodlum

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