EMMYS 2015: WHAT THE ACTUAL EFF?

First things first; I’M BACK B**CHES!

I know, I know. It’s been four months. But in those four months I have only moved to Hong Kong and started a new job and a new life that includes working the longest hours teaching (mostly) adorable Chinese children English, going out every weekend until 7am and spending the majority of my Sundays partying on a yacht in the middle of the ocean. So can you understand why I wasn’t sitting behind a computer for hours to research and write and edit? The answer is yes, by the way.

Nevertheless, I’m here now and isn’t that all that matters in life? Again, the answer is yes (Jokes). And what better way to return to all you lovers and friends than with a classic Haute Hoodlum red carpet rant?! Nothing, if we’re being honest. Plus the time spent away from you/the blog has made me even more critical of the trainwrecks we see strutting their stuff on red carpets, runways and sidewalks. So buckle up, because I am feeling feisty kids.

Last night was the Emmys; the awards show that plays tribute to the small heroes – TV shows. And with all the incredible content out there at the moment (I’m looking at you, Netflix), you would think that the red carpet would have been bursting with AHHHHHMAZING fashion. But you would also think that walking 54789121 miles every day in 100% humidity would have made me skinny and you’d be wrong there too.

Absolute shockers (half of which came from OITNB which genuinely upset me). I just do not understand. WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE THAT? WHERE IS YOUR STYLIST? WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS? Also, let’s take a minute to realize that this is technically known as the Daytime Emmys, which opens up so much space for playful outfit choices, fashion risks and fun. It’s also a lot less commercially distributed across mainstream media than their cool older siblings the Golden Globes and the Oscars – which allows actors/celebrities more leniency in the style stakes. Plus we have just come out New York Fashion Week, the first of the four in the season. That means that designers and fashion houses are ablaze with phenomenal, never-before-seen masterpieces (like the one Kerry Washington took right off the Marc Jacobs SS’16 runway and into my yet-to-be-written best dressed post). But no, there were still assholes on this red carpet that chose to ignore the guiding forces of fashion and turn up for nothing in their 2007 prom dress that their grandmother made using her rusty old sewing machine she borrowed from a friend at church.

And so here we are, my first post in over four months and it’s a killer… killer nasty. The worst dressed on the 2015 Emmy Awards red carpet. It’s a take no prisoners, have no mercy situation.

Let me know who your losers were; I’ve missed you guys and our conversations on these sartorial suckers.

I’m going to start with the women from Orange Is The New Black. Obviously I could make a ton of jokes about them being ‘fined’ or ‘repeat offenders’ on this Fashion Police type critique. But I’m going to let their style choices speak for themselves. Looks like OITNB just became what you’re wearing is the new no.

this look is way too Addams Family for the Emmy's.
this look is way too Addams Family gone to rehab for the Emmys. and life in general.
I can already tell that i hate her shoes and her pedicure through that tacky 80s fringe.
I can already tell that I hate her shoes and her pedicure through that tacky 80s fringe. also, is that dress VELVET?
i love a good female tuxedo. I love androgyny in fashion, especially on the red carpet, but this just looks like a joke.
I love a good female tuxedo. I love androgyny in fashion, especially on the red carpet. but this just looks like something a non-Pete Wentz member of Fall Out Boy would have worn in 2008.

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I have a love/hate relationship witht his look on Danielle Brooks. it is vibrant and playful which is what i want out of the emmy's red carpet. but at the same time it just looks too Club Med on vaycay for me. ugh, I don't know. someone decide for me, I'm a Gemini.
I have a love/hate relationship with this look on Danielle Brooks. it is vibrant and playful which is what I want out of the Emmy’s red carpet. but at the same time it just looks too Club Med on vaycay for me. ugh, I don’t know. someone decide for me, I’m a Gemini.
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also, put your nipples away.

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I absolutely adore Uzo Aduba (Crazy eyes in OITNB) and during Awards Season earlier this year, she was one of my best dressed throughout the entire run. but this dip-dyed catastrophe is not only so last year in its trend but it is just ugly and unflattering. this does not draw the eye through or over the right places to create a beautiful silhouette and it actually just looks cheap.
I absolutely adore Uzo Aduba (Crazy eyes in OITNB) and during Awards Season earlier this year, she was one of my best dressed throughout the entire run. but this dip-dyed, paint-splash catastrophe is not only so last year in its trend but it is just ugly and unflattering. it doesn’t draw the eye through or over the right places to create a beautiful silhouette and it actually just looks cheap.
ok so part of me gets where you were going with is - floral and fun with that side paneling that slims you down by eluding to a smaller waist. I do, really. but it just does not work on you. it doesn't. that's all.
ok so part of me gets where you were going with is – floral and fun with that side paneling that slims you down by eluding to a smaller waist. I do, really. but it just does not work on you girl. it doesn’t. that’s all.

And now onto the rest of the criminal couture (haha, see what I did there?)

TRY SOMETHING NEW SOFIA. FFS.
TRY SOMETHING NEW SOFIA. FFS. we all know how exquisite you are, could you at least excite us a little bit?
maybe I have missed her announcing her pregnancy but this dress is SO UNFLATTERING. i get it, Christina Hendricks, you're a confidently curvaceous woman. and that really is something to be applauded. but don't go and turn those curves into another human being perched on your hip.
maybe I have missed her announcing her pregnancy but this dress is SO UNFLATTERING. I get it, Christina Hendricks, you’re a confidently curvaceous woman. and that really is something to be applauded. but don’t go and turn those curves into another human being perched on your hip.
WHYYYYYYYYY. the bust on this dress is magic. the colour, the fit, the fabric, but then we get those ridiculous seams that make this look like the mess of a dress the three fairies made for Sleeping Beauty's 16th birthday... before they could use their magic.
WHYYYYYYYYY. the bust on this dress is magic. the colour, the fit, the fabric. but then we get those ridiculous seams that make this look like the mess of a dress the three fairies made for Sleeping Beauty’s 16th birthday… before they could use their magic.
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the old age home called and they want their sheets back.
what one earth is she? how did? why are there? I can't even begin to understand this one. GROSS.
what one earth is she? how did? why are there? I can’t even begin to understand this one.
uhhhhhhhhh NO.
uhhhhhhhhh NO.
you all know how much I love Tina Fey. she is a genius. and this dress is actually stunning on her. except for the fact that it looks like a re-purposed version of the one she wore to host the Golden Globes. and unless that was your social comment on the consumer society and massive waste we live in; it's a mistake.
you all know how much I love Tina Fey. she is a genius. and this dress is actually stunning on her. except for the fact that it looks like a re-purposed version of the one she wore to host the Golden Globes. so unless that was your social comment on the consumer society and massive waste we live in; it’s a mistake.
SEE?
SEE?
oh look it's the promo for that movie 24 going on oops I've been dead for 12 twelves and this is my first outing as a walking corpse. BORING.
oh look it’s the promo for that movie “24-going-on-oh-no-there-was-an-apocalypse-and-I’ve-been-dead-for-12-years-and-this-is-my-first-outing-as-a-walking corpse”.
and this must be Emma's co-star.
and this must be Emma’s co-star.
surely the Queen Mother from GOT could do better than this? i mean, is that even you Lena Headey (aka Cersei Lannister). I only have one word for this look. SHAME.
surely the Queen Mother from GOT could do better than this? I mean, is that even you Lena Headey (aka Cersei Lannister). I only have one word for this look.
SHAME.
Ariel, you are not even out of your teens yet and you wear these dreses that are made for woman twice your age. WHY? have some fun with fashion, stop posing so goddam hard and lighten up your makeup. take a cue from your older TV sister Sarah Hyland and chill outtttttttt.
Ariel, you are not even out of your teens yet and you wear these dresses that are made for women twice your age. WHY? have some fun with fashion, stop posing so goddam hard and lighten up your makeup. take a cue from your older TV sister Sarah Hyland and chill outtttttttt.
um. no. you're stupid.
um. no. you’re stupid. get out.

Laura-Carmichael_glamour_21sep15_rexfeatures_b_426x639_1 ERDEM

hate. just hate.
hate. just hate. the styling is my problem here. this Prada dress is SICK but not on Claire Danes and not with that hair.

Maggie-Gyllenhaal_glamour_21sep15_rexfeatures_b_426x639_1 ODLR Joanne-Froggatt_glamour_21sep15_rexfeatures_b_426x639_1 J MENDEL

Retta, i am sure you are a beautiful soul with a bright mind and a powerful sense of self. but this is one of the cheapest, ugliest dresses I have ever seen. i am almost sure a girl in my year at school wore this to her Matric Dance and then pulled out of the fashion show the next week because she realized how kitsch and tacky it was. #sorrynotsorry
Retta, I am sure you are a beautiful soul with a bright mind and a powerful sense of self. but this is one of the cheapest, ugliest dresses I have ever seen. in fact, I’m almost sure a girl in my year at school wore this to her Matric Dance and then pulled out of the fashion show the next week because she realized how kitsch and tacky it was. #sorrynotsorry
first it's the hair. next it's the pink. and the it's the elongated bridesmaid silhouette that every girl pretends to love because its her best friend's wedding but secretly she wishes there would be a tragic fire at the dressmakers,
first it’s the hair. next it’s the pink. and then it’s the elongated bridesmaid silhouette that every girl pretends to love because its her best friend’s wedding but secretly she wishes there would be a tragic fire at the dressmakers.
that dangly-handkerchied tussled piece of fabric is really confusing me January Jones. without that I would have liked this. but now I just think you look like an old Ukranian has-been stripper trying to act classy at her cousin's wedding.
that dangly, handkerchiefed-tussled piece of fabric is really confusing me January Jones. without that I would have liked this. but now I just think you look like an old Ukranian has-been stripper trying to act classy at her cousin’s wedding.
Amy Schumer you are a comedienne with some of the best and you are painfully funny and honest. but now I am going to be painfully honest. you look like you just walked home from a napover and bought this dress at Barney's on the way over. that hair and makeup is so wrong and badly styled with the dress. you can do better. you need to do better.
Amy Schumer you are a comedienne with some of the best and you are painfully funny and honest. but now I am going to be painfully honest. you look like you just walked home from a nap-over and bought this dress at Barney’s on the way over because you’re a rich bitch now. that hair and makeup is so wrong and badly styled with the dress. you can do better. you need to do better.

And then, this.

this Versace dress is clearly laced with some Italian voodoo because it is slowly turning Heidi Klum into Donatella herself. and that is NEVER a good thing. not even as a joke.
this Versace dress is clearly laced with some Italian voodoo because it is slowly turning Heidi Klum into Donatella herself. and that is NEVER a good thing. not even as a joke.

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I hope you missed me enough to love this post. Absence makes the heart grow stronger and all of that.

Until next time xxx

Haute Hoodlum

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