GOLDEN GLOBES 2016: WOMP WOMP

Oops, they did it again.

“New Year, New Me” clearly has not managed to infiltrate the stylist circle of Hollywood because the 2016 Golden Globes red carpet just killed me. The awards took place on Sunday (Sunday Not-So-Funday after watching these hideous frocks gallivant down the carpet) and as usual, I was disappointed. What is going on over there? Is there something in the ever-decreasing California water that has caused the disastrous style movement of wearing boring, been-there-worn-that pieces? Dejavu is no fun when what you’re seeing is a bunch of rubbish.

But all for a good cause – a Haute Hoodlum red carpet rant. The first of the year, nogal!

So sit back and get ready to start throwing your popcorn at the screen. Oh no wait, that’s not what this is…

rs_634x1024-160110172035-634.Hannah-Bagshawe-Eddie-Redmayne-Golden-Globes.ms.011016
this is like a knife to the heart. firstly, anyone who knows me knows how much I adore Eddie Redmayne and his style aesthetic. He has fun with fashion and effortlessly strays from the traditional path of a black and white tux. But his best accessory should be his wife and VADDIE FOK is going on with her? The dress is revolting and so badly tailored – the bust is so unflattering and those thick straps look like a sports bra. then there is that necklace that is too long and falls into her boobs and looks like what your 13 year old cousin made at market day at school.
rs_634x1024-160110172449-634.jason-statham.cm.11016
to be perfectly honest I’m a little scared to put Jason Statham on here in case he gets wind of my insults and finds a way to hurt me (a genuine fear I used to have about that wrestler, The Undertaker, when I was 7). however, I’m a brave soul so here goes. this brown velvet blazer is so boxy and so mismatched to those pants, he looks like the dark chocolate candybar that never made it out of Willy Wonka’s testing room.
julia-louis-dicaprio-golden-globes-2016
100% sure I had this dress in navy in 2007 and have subsequently burnt all pictures of me in because it is so ugly.
uzo-aduba-golden-globes-2016
another one of last year’s superstars, Uzo Aduba from OITNB. my first problem is that sleeve – does it wrap aound the back of her like a seatbelt gone wrong? or a batwing that has lost it’s body? it’s too old for her. this is what Jane Fonda SHOULD have worn. or Dame Helen Mirren #grandmagoals.
kirsten-dunst-golden-globes-2016
sorry but who invited Kirsten Dunst to the Golden Globes? and where is the rest of her dress?
amy-schumer-golden-globes-2016
oh Amy. Amy, Amy, Amy. I get it. you’re sick of just being the funny girl who falls on red carpets and makes hilarious jokes about herself not being skinny enough for Hollywood. you’re brilliant at it. but you wanted something different and classic and elegant. what you got was boring and completely unsuited to who (I think) you are. and that hair needs to go home to it’s debutant ball in Alabama.
rs_634x1024-160110172826-634.Patricia-Arquette-Eric-White-Golden-Globes.ms.011016
this woman was on my worst dressed lists pretty much all throughout the 2015 Awards Season. clearly she’s a creature of comfort.
janefonda-reuters1
oh my good Lord. Jane Fonda, do me a favour and go get changed into Uzo Aduba’s black sequined dress because this meringue cream puff is a DISASTER.
melissa-mccarthy-golden-globes-2016
didn’t you wear this last year in a different colour? I know it must be very challenging for bigger woman to find beautiful, flattering dresses for these events but there is no need to have your already bad choices on a loop, Melissa.
kate-winslet-golden-globes-2016
oh Kate. you are such a style icon and so sensational. this is just so tired. maybe it wss an ode to Titanic and the heart of the ocean but in reality the only connection this dress has to the Titanic is how much it sunk to the bottom.

gina-rodriguez-drupal_0

julianne-moore-golden-globes-2016 TOM FORD
YOU WORE THIS LAST YEAR IN GREEN YOU LAZY BINT!
bryce-dallas-howard-golden-globes-2016
this reminds me of that really cool bio-luminescence phenomenon you can see on the shore sometimes at night. but in a bad way. the way that Disney would use in a child’s animation when the princess gets lost in the forest. in fact I’m pretty sure that’s a still from when Snow White runs away from the huntsman and the forest comes alive and she collapses.

carly-chaikin-golden-globes-2016

viola-davis-golden-globes-2016 MARCHESA
this really hurts me to do because I love Viola Davis. she is so often one of my favourite woman on the red carpet because she exudes strength and beauty and is not afraid to break fashion boundaries with her style choices. but this is too much. firstly, HAS SHE SEEN HER ARMS? I would bench press my worst enemy to have arms like that. so why would you cover them up, Viola? and then the ombre sparkle. it’s just not you. it doesn’t work. you need to stick to clean lines and pure colours, not this 1950s ballroom ballbuster.
jada-pinkett-smith-golden-globes-2016
it’s the draping. I just can’t. this dress would have been… fine… without those layers and layers of handkerchief sleeves falling behind her. the colour is pretty sensational on her but the sleeves are just too much, especially for such a petite woman. and the cowl neck also makes me want to vomit TBH.

These next few dresses I have a serious problem with. Nudes and neutrals can be a smash hit on the red carpet and there have been some exquiiiiiiiisite dresses in recent years that were on the skin-tone spectrum. But when I cannot tell where you end and your dresses begins, you’re going to be on this list. I do not wish to play and hide with you and what you’re wearing.

rooney-mara-golden-globes-2016
this Alexander McQueen would be so spectacular on anyone else. even another pasty patsy. but not on you, Rooney Mara. you look like a giant ball of skin and it’s giving me the creeps.

eva-green-golden-globes-2016

amanda-peet-golden-globes-2016
Amanda Peet, where are you?

zoe-kazan-golden-globes-2016

sarah-hay-golden-globes-2016
is this person even real?
leslie-mann-golden-globes-2016
this could have worked. the colour is so beautiful on Leslie Mann and the bottom half of the dress is actually very pretty. but the top just frumps. and that necklace is so unnecessary. this is just a case of bad styling and an ill-fitting dress that ruins what could have been.

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katy-perry-golden-globes-2016
OH HELL NO KATY PERRY. I mean, we get it. you have boobs. but this dress looks like it is a size too small just so that you can show them off. and that’s not even the worst part. THAT BEEHIVE ON YOUR HEAD?!?!? honestly if there is a storm, avoid Katy Perry because her hair would be the highest point for lightning to strike.
emmy-rossum-golden-globes-2016
another repeat of a dress I am almost certain Emmy Rossum has worn; just with her hair up in a quaff. BUH-HOR-RING.

natalie-dormer-golden-globes-2016rachel-mcadams-golden-globes-2016

maggie-gyllenhaal-golden-globes-2016 MARC JACOBS
hey Maggie, the waiting room from the 70s pyschedelic doctor called and it wants it’s wallpaper back.
gettyimages-504365014_master
again with the sleeves??? clearly you share a stylist with Jada Pinkett-Smith. or maybe Guiliana had an aerial yoga class that she got stuck in.

That’s it for now. Keep an eye open for the best-dressed list, because luckily for my heart and soul there are those who actually do it right.

Until next time xxx

Haute Hoodlum

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5 thoughts on “GOLDEN GLOBES 2016: WOMP WOMP

  1. brilliant!! you should have your own Fashion Police programme!!! Love and hugs, xxxx

    Olga Hafner Director Meridian Wine Merchants Focus for our wines, service to our customers T : 0 (41) 492 0089 I C : 0 (82) 5729890 I http://www.meridianwines.co.za

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