VMAS 2016: SIT THE HELL DOWN

I’M BACK, BITCHES!

And after an entire day of Kanye West’s new album Life of Pablo on repeat, I am feeling ready to dish out some harsh truths; channeling my inner Yeezus and calling celebs out on their failures and shortcomings on last night’s MTV VMA red carpet.

And I’m not holding back either. Sure, there were some outfits that were fiiiiiine. Or even pretty good,with something just a little off. But I don’t have the time or the energy to sit on the fence with these celebs anymore you know why? Because sitting on the fence while something just not quite right gains popularity until it’s too late to realize they were wrong from the beginning is how America finds itself with an oompa loompa racist Republican Presidential candidate. (ok maybe Kanye is getting to me a little)

Usually creating this post causes so much inner anger and disappointment, but this time there were so many LOLs. Like I am actually sitting at my desk cracking up at how ridiculous some of these idiots look. The guy in the building across from me looking through his window definitely thinks I’m a looney toon. Shame.

Here we gooooooooo.

ariana-grande-mtv-vmas-2016
bloody typical Ariana. ugh this chick really annoys me SO MUCH. how basic can you be? I hope you trip over those horribly ill-fitted pants and bad dye job.

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I actually really like Ashley Graham and have so much respect for what she’s doing to challenge the beauty norms in the fashion industry; which is why I wish she had just done better than this. that’s all.

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JoJo this look is a NoNo. go home.
cassie-mtv-vmas-2016
it’s the hair. it reminds me of some kind of Simpsons character on a bad acid trip. and really Cassie, one button would be more than enough.
dascha-polanco-mtv-vmas-2016
these look like a pair of jeans I never bought from Edgars in 2003
alessia-cara-mtv-vmas-2016
classic high school house party “I’m too cool to care what you think of me but secretly I really do”
rita-ora-mtv-vmas-2016
sorry but I just hate this.AND THOSE SHOES? NEE FOK SIES.
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before you even have the chance To raise your eyebrows at me let me start off by saying this has nothing to do with her not wearing makeup. I fugging LOVE that Alicia Keys is embracing her natural beauty and exposing the expectations that society puts on women. ok? so shut up now haters. my issue is this horrific dress. such a strong, talented and beautiful woman should not be hidden underneath some hideously confused Hawaiian print/Shakespearean style frump of a frock. the dress is fugging UGLY and she deserves better. no more no less.

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taylor-hill-mtv-vmas-2016
is Taylor Hill aware of the fact that most of her dress got stuck at the top of the escalator and ripped off?
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two words: camel toe.

 

tove-lo-mtv-vmas-2016
love Tove Lo. love sneakers. love sneakers on the red carpet. love big sleeves for this season. hate when it looks like you’re trapped in a restraining jacket.
joan-smalls-mtv-vmas-2016
I just expect so much more from you; Amazonian goddess like Angel Joan Smalls.
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I don’t know who you are but I can’t tell where your legs end and the floor begins and its making me very uncomfortable
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA all I want to do here is insert the crying cat emoji because this is utterly hilarious

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nick-jonas-mtv-vmas-2016
having some real nasty feelings towards that bomber jacket Nick Jonas…
lance-bass-mtv-vmas-2016
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LANCE BASS YOU ARE KILLING ME HERE! you know you’ve taken #ThrowbackThursday a little too far when you’re exploding out of your once-famous 1998 boy band ensemble.
kent-jones-mtv-vmas-2016
who were those vampires in Twilight that lived in The Vatican or whatever and made all eternal decisions? cos I think Kent Jones missed his appointment with them.
ansel-elgort-mtv-vmas-2016
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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if this were a magazine cover shoot or really almost anything else I would applaud this D-Rate MTV reality show couple. but I just can’t quite grasp how this (very) pregnant woman dealt with this at the VMAs? wasn’t she cold? how could she expose her unborn baby to such unfortunate fashion choices and lip-syncing? ugh so many unanswered questions.

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dnce-mtv-vmas-2016
never would have guessed that the texas chainsaw massacre, the high school glee club football captain, the cool emo-esque Asian stripper and a country star dad were in a band. together. as one. (also that genuinely hurts me to say because I have a very real crush on Joe Jonas but I just cannot).
fifth-harmony-mtv-vmas-2016
should have worked from home, Fifth Harmony

 

Woooh, I need to lie down. Being a fashion authority is so draining. That and delayed jet lag.

Until next time xx

Haute Hoodlum

 

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