Fashion’s biggest night happens the same weekwend every year. It is an annual event that is firmly marked on the fashion calendar. It’s a social event that brings celebrities from all over the world to New York City. To The Metropolitan Museum of Art on 5th Avenue, to be exact.
It isn’t a surprise. It isn’t a flash mob event. It doesn’t creep up on you out of nowhere. SO WHY ARE YOU SO GROSSLY UNPREPARED AND UNDER DRESSED? UGH!
The theme follows the exhibition (China: Through The Looking Glass) that shows at the museum and is premiered the day of the gala. This year was Chinese Whispers: Tales of the East in Art, Film, and Fashion. Everyone was worried about cultural insensitivity and wrongful appropriation. Seems we overlooked the simple truth of hideous fashion. AND ALL THOSE RUFFLES.
I feel like I should just resign myself to the fact that these outings are always preceded with hopeful anticipation and high standards of excellence but, in actual fact, fall short of the hype. Nina, it is time to be realistic about how utterly useless and sartorially stupid some people are.
Without further adieu, here are my worst dressed from the Met Gala 2015:
This first group makes my worst-dressed list because I have come to expect so much from them in terms of their fashion choices and style risks; especially on the Met red carpet. They have wowed me before, but this year just didn’t cut it. Shame on you.
Now we move onto the just plain ugly. Brace yourselves.
Oh, you thought I wasn’t going to post my worst dressed from the 87th Academy Awards just because I was so impressed with the red carpet? You thought that because I was on site on events all day and contracted the Black Plague that I would rid you of your sartorial pleasures by not dishing out harsh criticisms? You thought I would spare those idiots that thought they rocked the red carpet?
Always, always be prepared for a Haute Hoodlum rant because let’s face it – it’s what I do. Tearing through the mirage of golden gowns and exposing those stupid enough to wear a dress that doesn’t fit and looks terrible and is just plain hideous is one of my greatest strengths (and joys in life). Awards Season is now over and you, my sweet loves, shall be treated to one last worst dressed of the period: The Oscars. Hollywood’s biggest night and, so often, fashion’s biggest failures.
I don’t need to go into detail about the underwhelming nature of expectant red carpets (I realize that sounds like red carpets who are 8 months pregnant but I have the flu so please overlook that) so, for the last time this season, I will leave you with my choices for the train wreck catastrophes at the 2015 Oscars.
Have fun little darlings…
Julianne Moore, I have a bone to pick with you. This entire Awards Season you have been absolutely killing it in the fashion department. You have shown all these young girls how to dress with class and sex appeal and have worn some of the most exquisite gowns I have ever seen. You are also pasty with red hair and yet you have looked INCREDIBLE every single time. You have also won every single time. So surely, suuuuurely, you at least had an inkling that you would win the Oscar. In my mind that means wearing the most sensational dress that flatters you in all the right ways and makes you look like the glamourous, beautiful woman and movie star that you are. So you went with Chanel. A good choice for a winner. But this Chanel? ARE YOU FVCKING KIDDING ME? This dress is the same colour as your above mentioned pasty skin and, albeit exquisite on the runway or on a model, is so completely underwhelming on you. It does not hug your curves or enhance your figure and simply does not make an impact. And that makes me very sad.
And then, just when you thought that you had made sense of the pitfalls and wrapped your head around these style sacrifices; this bint arrived looking like a bad comedown. I don’t know who you are or what your deal is, but if you are going to walk the Oscars red carpet then please refrain from looking like a drug-induced prozzie that made her dress out of leftover Asian restaurant curtains and silk from the hotel she snuck out of at 5am.
Finality is a terrible thing. Especially when it means the end of a week of dazzling creations and moving art. Today sees the final installment of my Couture Week series (see the previous posts here and here).
This post focuses on three collections: Versace, Valentino and Dolce & Gabbana who actually showed in Rome at Alta Moda. Valentino and D&G were beautifulllllllll and filled with a sense of royal etherealism (that’s not a word but I’m making it one, so deal) and Versace was its usual sexualized self.
It’s Thursday but it feels like Friday so relax, kick your feet up and have one last delve into the depth of desire.
VERSACE (VERSACE VERSACE VERSACE)
Sticking to a palette of four colours -black, white, red and blue – Versace did what they do best: SEX.
This was a dream. Maria Grazia Chiura and Pierpaulo Piccioli (Valentino’s Creative Directors) were inspired by ‘love in its purest form’ and that ideology was perfectly executed in this collection.
DOLCE & GABBANA (ALTA MODA)
D&G also showed a Haute Couture Mens collection – Alta Sartoria – because one is simply not enough. Below you can get a glimpse of how utterly extravagant the collection was (courtesy of Vogue’s incomparable Suzy Menkes)…
Couture Week may be over but Fashion Month is coming our way so don’t forget to watch this space and hit the follow button for up-to-the-minute coverage, catchups and criticisms.
PS I’ll be off the grid until next week because my family is all down for the weekend and that means eating out every meal, jolling and living our best lives.
I really love being a girl. It’s just so much fun to be able to play around with fashion and beauty and (bajillions of) products that make you glow and sparkle and feel like a goddess all the way through. Yes, being a girl can also be tiring and bloody expensive (not to mention painful… cough cough); but at the end of the day I am a massive fan of pampering and primping.
So you can imagine my ecstasy this past Saturday in Joburg when my boss swapped me on events and, instead of running a boring wine event in the middle of shitsville nowhere, I was put in charge of the JC Le Roux bar at the Marie Claire Beauty Playground in super trendy, bustling Braamfontein. I lived in The Big Smoke last year and one of my favourite places is The Neighbourgoods Market and its surrounding hotspots like Maboneng Precinct and anywhere Braamies-situated. Father Coffee, for example, is a place I miss all the time and the vintage market in the old hotel has a special place in my heart (and wardrobe). I was reminded on Saturday of just how absolutely incredibly cool Joburg is, especially if you venture downtown on the weekend and meander through the uber cool hangouts and chicest people. You can imagine how happy I was when it came time for our coffee break and I strolled (in heels nogal) a few blocks away to Father Coffee to grab two double shot cappuccinos! Yes, it was a double-shot-kinda-morning.
But back to Beauty Playground. Marie Claire is one of my top two favourite local magazines (I’m sure you can figure out the other) and lately I have been blown away by their content and fashion editorials. They also hold some of the most fantastic events and reader experiences, allowing consumers to engage with the brands and companies with which they are so intimately involved every issue. Beauty Playground is one such experience.
The event was held at Shine Studios – an incredible white space that can be totally transformed into absolutely anything you can imagine, with sweeping views of Johannesburg City and that iconic skyline. The second floor was all beauty; the third floor housed the JC Le Roux bar and tasty treats; like the most sensational red velvet cake pop and cronuts form Belle’s Patisserie.
Beauty Playground is a trunk show of sorts with several massive brands and a few newcomers showcasing their products and services, trading at hugely discounted prices and generally creating awareness amongst consumers and fellow beauty companies. What was amazing to see was how many innovative local brands are emerging and how many South Africans are offering fantastic products within the beauty industry. There were also some AMAZING new design talents on show. Aka I may or may not have fallen in love with a veld and leather oversized clutch from new creatives Harrison Lee & Co.
There were a bunch of stands and exhibitors and everyone clearly inhabits the excellent standard that Marie Claire has established over the years; but of course I had my favourites. The first stand I stumbled upon was Moroccan Oil. Now, ladies, we have all heard the hype and most of us lust after that silky smooth finish that the miracle oil provides but hot dam it is a pricey purchase! That’s why I was thrilled when the sales girl – who was so knowledgeable and friendly it made me want to spend all my money on the spot- highlighted the discounted prices on offer exclusively at Beauty Playground. There were several different packages and gift sets from which to choose, but I ended up with the oh-so-necessary Intense Hydrating Mask (with travel sized freebie) to try to repair this poor old, dry hair of mine. I have already used the mask once and I LOVED it – it left my hair so soft and smooth and most importantly, frizz free. Curly hair struggles to maintain moisture which is why that poofy look is always around. But this mask puts the moisture back your hair in without creating an oily finish. WOOP.
The Inglot stand was across the floor, and I basically stalked them until there was an opening with Lana – one of their top artists and an absolute bubble of fun! Who else would let you sleep during a makeover and totally LOL when you ask them to do anything they want as long as they don’t draw a penis on your face? Lana removed my old makeup (crunchy from no sleep and long days on site) and gave me a fresh, glowing face and beautiful makeup that immediately made me feel a million times better. I am a huge fan of free stuff, especially when it is so enjoyable to go through and makes you feel SMOKING.
Finally, a new skincare range introduced itself to me through the vivacious Roxanne Andrews at Salon Care: a vegetable-based, all natural and locally manufactured line of skin and body treatments that are carefully constructed without any aggressive chemicals so that your skin is naturally inclined to absorb and utilize these stunning products. Roxanne and I hit it off immediately and I am so happy to have met her and the team at Salon Care because it is such a wonderful, expansive (and inexpensive) range that not only supports local business but is also free from animal testing. Ethical and efficient – exactly what we need in this crazy world! Trained skincare therapists ensure that whatever treatment you choose or products you take home with you for your personal beauty regime; everything is tailored to your specific skin type and aimed at combatting any issues in the most natural and cleansing way possible so that your skin is rejuvenated and as healthy as can be.
What is also exciting is the future relationship between Haute Hoodlum and Salon Care so watch this space, ladies and gentlemen.
Being that I was on duty, I did not get much camera snapping done (oh shame I was too busy getting makeovers and buying OPI nail polish for R50). So a lot of the following images are from the Marie Claire Instagram account, my colleague Michelle and my beautiful friend and fellow blogger Safiyah Vally (check out her newly launched site here).
Thanks to Marie Claire for hosting such an excellent event and for bringing us closer to the industry that we all adore. It is these kinds of initiatives that remind me of how fantastic South Africa is and how far up the international ladder of standards we have climbed.
Shoes: Forever 21
** Inglot is also hosting a bunch of beauty workshops this month at Canal Walk (7 November), Tygervalley (27 November) and The V&A Waterfront (28 November). If you want to attend, email firstname.lastname@example.org to book your spot and get ready to learn the tricks of the trade and have a huge chuckle doing so. Salon Care will also be there so it is a great partnership born out of a fabulous event like Beauty Playground.