MET GALA 2015: THROUGH THE LOOKING (ASS)

I actually can’t do this anymore.

Fashion’s biggest night happens the same weekwend every year. It is an annual event that is firmly marked on the fashion calendar. It’s a social event that brings celebrities from all over the world to New York City. To The Metropolitan Museum of Art on 5th Avenue, to be exact.

It isn’t a surprise. It isn’t a flash mob event. It doesn’t creep up on you out of nowhere. SO WHY ARE YOU SO GROSSLY UNPREPARED AND UNDER DRESSED? UGH!

The theme follows the exhibition (China: Through The Looking Glass) that shows at the museum and is premiered the day of the gala. This year was Chinese Whispers: Tales of the East in Art, Film, and Fashion. Everyone was worried about cultural insensitivity and wrongful appropriation. Seems we overlooked the simple truth of hideous fashion. AND ALL THOSE RUFFLES.

I feel like I should just resign myself to the fact that these outings are always preceded with hopeful anticipation and high standards of excellence but, in actual fact, fall short of the hype. Nina, it is time to be realistic about how utterly useless and sartorially stupid some people are.

Without further adieu, here are my worst dressed from the Met Gala 2015:

This first group makes my worst-dressed list because I have come to expect so much from them in terms of their fashion choices and style risks; especially on the Met red carpet. They have wowed me before, but this year just didn’t cut it. Shame on you.

Gigi's brunette baby sister is usally all kinds of cool and chic. But the shoe just kills me. KILLS ME. Same goes for her mate, Hailey Baldwin (below). Both girls (who are both models) wore custom Topshop but the dresses were just too similar for me. Sies tog.
Gigi Hadid’s brunette baby sister, Bella, is usually all kinds of cool and chic. but the shoes just kill me. KILL ME. same goes for her mate, Hailey Baldwin (below). both girls wore custom Topshop but the dresses were just too similar for me. and too short for this event. it’s not the Grammy’s.

Hailey-Baldwin-Vogue-5May15-Getty_b_426x639Lily-Aldridge-Vogue-5May15-Getty__426x639 carolina herrera

If this were better fitted on the shoulders, it would have made my best dressed list. But it didn't.
if this were better fitted on the shoulders, it would have made my best dressed list. but it isn’t. and so it didn’t.

Karlie-kloss-Vogue-5May15-Getty_b_426x639 ate.lier versace

It's the gloves. It is seriously just the gloves. I love the Prada dress. I even love the headband. but those goddam gloves!
it’s the gloves.I love the Prada dress. I even love the headband. but those goddam gloves. I can’t.

Now we move onto the just plain ugly. Brace yourselves.

WHAT THE ACTUAL. someone took Star Wars day a leeeetle too far.
WHAT THE ACTUAL. someone took Star Wars day a leeeetle too far.

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no, no, noooooo. this is the kind of dress that very few women can pull off. maybe Beyonce. maybe J.Lo. NOT YOU PASTY.
no, no, noooooo. this is the kind of dress that very few women can pull off. maybe Beyonce. maybe J.Lo.
NOT YOU PASTY.
50 Shades of You Look Like A Slut.
50 Shades of You Look Like A Slut.
the theme was not
the theme was not “Wear Dolce & Gabbana straight off the runway to a Game of Thrones party” you stupid dick.
I love Jennifer Lopez. she looks better now than she has EVER looked and she kbows how to bring her trademark sex appeal to every event in every outfit. but this is too much. it's tacky (it's Versace).
I love Jennifer Lopez. she looks better now than she has EVER looked and she knows how to bring her trademark sex appeal to every event in every outfit. but this is too much. it’s tacky (it’s Versace).
what is that alien skeleton next to J.Lo? oh, wait. it's Donatella Versace. sorry (not sorry).
what is that revolting creature next to J.Lo? is it a ghost? an alien? a skeleton of a Russian man? oh, wait. it’s Donatella Versace. sorry (not sorry).

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I feel asleep looking at this. BORING.
I could use this look as a sleep meditation it’s so boring.
George and Amal (mostly Amal) are usually flawless. but I cannot handle those ruffles. even if they are Maison Margiela Couture.
George and Amal (mostly Amal) are usually flawless. but I cannot handle those ruffles. even if they are Maison Margiela Couture ruffles.
Allison Williams in this Giambattista Valli dress just confuses me. the capped sleeve after the black embellishments? surely not.
Allison Williams in this Giambattista Valli dress just confuses me. the capped sleeve after the black embellishments? surely not.

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you all know how much I don't like Jennifer Lawrence. she is the face of Dior and so has free reign on their couture for events like this. needless to say she could (always) have done better.
you all know how much I don’t like Jennifer Lawrence. she is the face of Dior and so has free reign of their couture for events like this. needless to say she could (always) have done better. also, would it kill you to smile?
Amber Valleta closes for Versace. and yet she rocked up looking like Melanie Griffith's coked out daughter.
Amber Valleta closed for Versace during fashion week. and yet she rocked up looking like Melanie Griffith’s coked out daughter.

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this is Chanel Couture. on Diane Kruger. it should be dream. IT ISN'T.
this is Chanel Couture. on Diane Kruger. it should be a dream.
IT ISN’T.

Amanda-Seyfried-Vogue-5May15-Getty__426x639 givenchy couture Zhang-Ziyi-Vogue-5May15-Rex_b_426x639 Selena-Gomez-Vogue-5May15-Rex_b_426x639

Lenny, you look SMOKING. but your wife looks like she just stepped out of a scene from American Horror Story Amish Witch.
Lenny, you look SMOKING. but your wife looks like she just stepped out of a scene from American Horror Story Amish Witch.
this is more about Zac's new face and Katie's stupid new bangs than the dress but I don't love the dress either so the decision was pretty straightforward.
this has less to do with the dress that looks like it has sperms swimming across the bottom of a galaxy than it does with Zac’s new face and Katie’s stupid new bangs.
everyone loved that Cher looked classic and so groomed. that is precisely why I hate this dress. it is so not Cher. give me that barely-tehre black beaded feather mohawk look from the 90s!
everyone loved that Cher looked classic and so groomed. that is precisely why I hate this dress. it is so not Cher. give me that barely-there black beaded-over-the-vagina feather mohawk look from the 90s!

SHUT UP.

there's always that one weirdo...
there’s always one…

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moschiNO.
moschiNO.
i usually love Chloe Sevigny for her eclectic mix of style inspirations. she doesn't apologise for being a little out fo her mind and takes fashion risks like it's no one's business. but this is juts a hot mess that not even Chloe can justify.
I usually love Chloe Sevigny for her eclectic mix of style inspirations. she doesn’t apologize for being a little out of her mind and takes fashion risks like it’s no one’s business. but this is a hot mess that not even Chloe can justify.

Robert-Pattinson-FKA-Twigs-Vogue-5May15-Getty__426x639 christopher kane

Naomi Campbell can usually wear anything and look so fierce. I mean, she's Naomi Campbell FFS. but this Burberry Prorsum just looks cheap. and trashy.
Naomi Campbell can usually wear anything and look fierce. I mean, she’s Naomi Campbell FFS. but this Burberry Prorsum just looks cheap. and trashy.

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Lorde looks like she left her Calvin Klein collection dress out in the sun on the farm and the giant mosquitoes attacked. and won.
Lorde looks like she left this Calvin Klein Collection dress out in the sun on the farm and giant moths attacked. and won.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This dress looks like a stingray having a bad acid trip.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
this dress looks like a stingray having a bad acid trip.

I need a stiff drink after that.

Until next time xxx

Haute Hoodlum

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ACADEMY AWARDS 2015: LUH-HOOOOSERS

Oh, you thought I wasn’t going to post my worst dressed from the 87th Academy Awards just because I was so impressed with the red carpet? You thought that because I was on site on events all day and contracted the Black Plague that I would rid you of your sartorial pleasures by not dishing out harsh criticisms? You thought I would spare those idiots that thought they rocked the red carpet?

THINK AGAIN.

Always, always be prepared for a Haute Hoodlum rant because let’s face it – it’s what I do. Tearing through the mirage of golden gowns and exposing those stupid enough to wear a dress that doesn’t fit and looks terrible and is just plain hideous is one of my greatest strengths (and joys in life). Awards Season is now over and you, my sweet loves, shall be treated to one last worst dressed of the period: The Oscars. Hollywood’s biggest night and, so often, fashion’s biggest failures.

I don’t need to go into detail about the underwhelming nature of expectant red carpets (I realize that sounds like red carpets who are 8 months pregnant but I have the flu so please overlook that) so, for the last time this season, I will leave you with my choices for the train wreck catastrophes at the 2015 Oscars.

Have fun little darlings…

Anna Kendrick prides herself on ebing quirky and weird and alternative but then she shows up on the red carpet looking (pretty but) BORING AS FVCK. c'man gurl, spice it up a little.
Anna Kendrick prides herself on being quirky and weird and alternative but then she shows up on the red carpet looking (pretty but) BORING AS FVCK. c’maaaaan, spice it up a little.
Gwynie, my girl, if you're going to try and remind us all that you're relative please do not do so by wearing a revamped version of your famous other pink Oscars dress with the flower from Carrie Bradshaw's opening look in the Sex and The City Movie on your shoulder.
Gwynie, my girl, if you’re going to try and remind us all that you’re still relevant please do not do so by wearing a revamped version of that other pink Oscars dress worn with the shoulder flower from Carrie Bradshaw’s opening look in the Sex and The City Movie.
Viola, you usually look so exceptionally beautiful but this dress is just ugly and the shape does not do you any justice and the space between the dress and the necklace is just OFF. please go back to being stunning.
Viola, you usually look so exceptionally beautiful but this dress is just ugly and the shape does not do you any justice and the space between the dress and the necklace is just OFF. please go back to being stunning.
sorry, Felicity. you may have had a breakout role in The Theory of Everything; but you know nothing when it comes to fashion. bye.
sorry, Felicity. you may have had a breakout role in The Theory of Everything; but you know nothing when it comes to fashion. bye.

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please note this choice has nothing to do with her dreadlocks (for those who don't know, I am referring to the blow up on social media around Guilianna Rancic's ignorant dreadlocks comment). Zendaya is on this list, not for the first time, because she looks way too skinny and this dress does not fit well and she could do so much better. I actually love her hair, especially for the stuck-up-your-arse-Oscars but the outfit and styling is just a flop.
please note this choice has nothing to do with her dreadlocks (for those who don’t know, I am referring to the blow up on social media around Guilianna Rancic’s ignorant dreadlocks comment). Zendaya is on this list, not for the first time, because she looks way too skinny and this dress does not fit well and she could do so much better. I actually love her hair, especially for the stuck-up-your-arse-Oscars but the outfit and styling is just a flop.

Julianne Moore, I have a bone to pick with you. This entire Awards Season you have been absolutely killing it in the fashion department. You have shown all these young girls how to dress with class and sex appeal and have worn some of the most exquisite gowns I have ever seen. You are also pasty with red hair and yet you have looked INCREDIBLE every single time. You have also won every single time. So surely, suuuuurely, you at least had an inkling that you would win the Oscar. In my mind that means wearing the most sensational dress that flatters you in all the right ways and makes you look like the glamourous, beautiful woman and movie star that you are. So you went with Chanel. A good choice for a winner. But this Chanel? ARE YOU FVCKING KIDDING ME? This dress is the same colour as your above mentioned pasty skin and, albeit exquisite on the runway or on a model, is so completely underwhelming on you. It does not hug your curves or enhance your figure and simply does not make an impact. And that makes me very sad.

julianne-moore,-oscars-2015-red-carpet,-getty__large chanel karolina-kurkova,-oscars-2015-red-carpet,-getty__large marchesa

I love Lady Gaga. I love this dress. I love her hair and makeup. but why, oh why, did she wear those ruh-volthing red latex gloves? did she do the dishes before leaving the house and suddenly realize she was running late? maybe she came from the set of the new season of American Horror Story: Hotel and forgot to leave the props behind. who knows, it just doesn't work. and if it doesn't work on Gags then you know its fvcked up.
I love Lady Gaga. I love this dress. I love her hair and makeup. but why, oh why, did she wear those ruh-volthing red latex gloves? did she do the dishes before leaving the house and suddenly realize she was running late? maybe she came from the set of the new season of American Horror Story: Hotel and forgot to leave the props behind. who knows, it just doesn’t work. and if it doesn’t work on Gags then you know its fvcked up.

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hate her. hate that Vuitton dress. hate that completely unnecessary belt hate her massive forehead.
hate her. hate that Vuitton dress that looks like it is made from the row of colour-changing-in-the-lights sequin material you buy from your local Chinese store. hate that completely unnecessary belt. hate her massive forehead.
UM NO. that Justin Bieber sweep should be left in 2009 where it belongs.
2009 Justin Bieber called and he wants his hair back.
Margot Robbie you are so exquisite and you are wearing Saint Laurent and yet somehow you still managed to look frumpy delumpy. go home and change.
Margot Robbie you are so exquisite and you are wearing Saint Laurent and yet somehow you still managed to look frumpy delumpy. go home and change.

melanie-griffith,-oscars-2015-red-carpet,-getty__large patricia-arquette,-oscars-2015-red-carpet,-getty__large

you know what kills me the most of this hole outfit (and the fact that it is NOT the first time Kelly is on my worst dressed list)? That middle strap on the shoe! this looks like ouma se skoene van die Matriek afskeid.
you know what kills me the most of this whole outfit (and the fact that it is NOT the first time Kelly is on my worst dressed list)? That middle strap on the shoe! this looks like ouma se skoene van die Matriek afskeid.

scarlett-johansson,-oscars-2015-red-carpet,-getty__large versace

Solange, you are the queen of cool. You are a style icon. neither of which are apparent with this monstrosity of an outfit.
Solange, you are the queen of cool. you are a style icon. neither of which are apparent here.

gina-rodriguez,-oscars-2015-red-carpet,-getty__large

too much fabric, too much pull & gathering, not enough beautiful.
too much fabric, too much ruching, too much delicate sparkle that barely makes a sound, not enough beautiful.
this is just the most confusing thing I have ever seen.
this is just the most confusing thing I have ever seen.
BRUSH YOUR HAIR. THIS IS THE OSCARS GADDAMIT.
BRUSH YOUR HAIR. THIS IS THE OSCARS GADDAMIT.

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And then, just when you thought that you had made sense of the pitfalls and wrapped your head around these style sacrifices; this bint arrived looking like a bad comedown. I don’t know who you are or what your deal is, but if you are going to walk the Oscars red carpet then please refrain from looking like a drug-induced prozzie that made her dress out of leftover Asian restaurant curtains and silk from the hotel she snuck out of at 5am.

Until next time xxx

lorelai-linklater,-oscars-2015-red-carpet,-getty__large

Haute Hoodlum

COUTURE WEEK: PART THREE

Finality is a terrible thing. Especially when it means the end of a week of dazzling creations and moving art. Today sees the final installment of my Couture Week series (see the previous posts here and here).

This post focuses on three collections: Versace, Valentino and Dolce & Gabbana who actually showed in Rome at Alta Moda. Valentino and D&G were beautifulllllllll and filled with a sense of royal etherealism (that’s not a word but I’m making it one, so deal) and Versace was its usual sexualized self.

It’s Thursday but it feels like Friday so relax, kick your feet up and have one last delve into the depth of desire.

VERSACE (VERSACE VERSACE VERSACE)

Sticking to a palette of four colours -black, white, red and blue – Versace did what they do best: SEX.

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now THAT is how you belt a couture gown
now THAT is how you belt a couture gown

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yeowwwwwwwww. HATT DAMM GURL.
yeowwwwwwwww. HATT DAMM GURL.

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CLASSIC VERSACE SEX APPEAL
CLASSIC VERSACE SEX APPEAL

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VALENTINO

This was a dream. Maria Grazia Chiura and Pierpaulo Piccioli (Valentino’s Creative Directors) were inspired by ‘love in its purest form’ and that ideology was perfectly executed in this collection.

Valentino always, always brings back femininity and grace
Valentino always, always brings back femininity and grace

VALENTINO VALENTINO

beautiful details
beautiful details

VALENTINO

I love the way this was photographed.
I just love the way this was shot

VALENTINO

LITERAL RED VELVET
LITERAL RED VELVET

VALENTINO

totally and utterly obsessed with this poetry in motion
totally and utterly obsessed with this poetry in motion

VALENTINO VALENTINO

"Amor Vincit Omnia" - Love Conquers All
“Amor Vincit Omnia” – Love Conquers All

VALENTINO

this is so full of drama and texture. I COULD DIE.
this is so full of drama and texture. I COULD DIE.

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the things I would do for these coats. OMG.
the things I would do for these coats. OMG.

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take a bow babies
take a bow babies

DOLCE & GABBANA (ALTA MODA)

ethereal magnificence
ethereal magnificence

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D&G bringing royalty to the runway
D&G bringing royalty to the runway

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DEETS
DEETS

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this is so characteristic of Dolce & Gabbana - luxe jewels and deep colours - remnding you of the opulence of Italian fashion
this is so characteristic of Dolce & Gabbana – luxe jewels and deep colours – reminding you of the opulence of Italian fashion

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Roberto Bolle captivated the crowd at La Scala
Roberto Bolle captivated the crowd at La Scala

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D&G also showed a Haute Couture Mens collection – Alta Sartoria – because one is simply not enough. Below you can get a glimpse of how utterly extravagant the collection was (courtesy of Vogue’s incomparable Suzy Menkes)…

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Couture Week may be over but Fashion Month is coming our way so don’t forget to watch this space and hit the follow button for up-to-the-minute coverage, catchups and criticisms.

PS I’ll be off the grid until next week because my family is all down for the weekend and that means eating out every meal, jolling and living our best lives.

Until next time xxx

Haute Hoodlum

 

 

EVENT: MARIE CLAIRE BEAUTY PLAYGROUND

I really love being a girl. It’s just so much fun to be able to play around with fashion and beauty and (bajillions of) products that make you glow and sparkle and feel like a goddess all the way through. Yes, being a girl can also be tiring and bloody expensive (not to mention painful… cough cough); but at the end of the day I am a massive fan of pampering and primping.

So you can imagine my ecstasy this past Saturday in Joburg when my boss swapped me on events and, instead of running a boring wine event in the middle of shitsville nowhere, I was put in charge of the JC Le Roux bar at the Marie Claire Beauty Playground in super trendy, bustling Braamfontein. I lived in The Big Smoke last year and one of my favourite places is The Neighbourgoods Market and its surrounding hotspots like Maboneng Precinct and anywhere Braamies-situated. Father Coffee, for example, is a place I miss all the time and the vintage market in the old hotel has a special place in my heart (and wardrobe). I was reminded on Saturday of just how absolutely incredibly cool Joburg is, especially if you venture downtown on the weekend and meander through the uber cool hangouts and chicest people. You can imagine how happy I was when it came time for our coffee break and I strolled (in heels nogal) a few blocks away to Father Coffee to grab two double shot cappuccinos! Yes, it was a double-shot-kinda-morning.

But back to Beauty Playground. Marie Claire is one of my top two favourite local magazines (I’m sure you can figure out the other) and lately I have been blown away by their content and fashion editorials. They also hold some of the most fantastic events and reader experiences, allowing consumers to engage with the brands and companies with which they are so intimately involved every issue. Beauty Playground is one such experience.

The event was held at Shine Studios – an incredible white space that can be totally transformed into absolutely anything you can imagine, with sweeping views of Johannesburg City and that iconic skyline. The second floor was all beauty; the third floor housed the JC Le Roux bar and tasty treats; like the most sensational red velvet cake pop and cronuts form Belle’s Patisserie.

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the beautiful JC Le Roux MCC range
the beautiful JC Le Roux MCC range on display
STOP IT.
STOP IT.

Beauty Playground is a trunk show of sorts with several massive brands and a few newcomers showcasing their products and services, trading at hugely discounted prices and generally creating awareness amongst consumers and fellow beauty companies. What was amazing to see was how many innovative local brands are emerging and how many South Africans are offering fantastic products within the beauty industry. There were also some AMAZING new design talents on show. Aka I may or may not have fallen in love with a veld and leather oversized clutch from new creatives  Harrison Lee & Co. 

There were a bunch of stands and exhibitors and everyone clearly inhabits the excellent standard that Marie Claire has established over the years; but of course I had my favourites. The first stand I stumbled upon was Moroccan Oil. Now, ladies, we have all heard the hype and most of us lust after that silky smooth finish that the miracle oil provides but hot dam it is a pricey purchase! That’s why I was thrilled when the sales girl – who was so knowledgeable and friendly it made me want to spend all my money on the spot- highlighted the discounted prices on offer exclusively at Beauty Playground. There were several different packages and gift sets from which to choose, but I ended up with the oh-so-necessary Intense Hydrating Mask (with travel sized freebie) to try to repair this poor old, dry hair of mine. I have already used the mask once and I LOVED it – it left my hair so soft and smooth and most importantly, frizz free. Curly hair struggles to maintain moisture which is why that poofy look is always around. But this mask puts the moisture back your hair in without creating an oily finish. WOOP.

The Inglot stand was across the floor, and I basically stalked them until there was an opening with Lana – one of their top artists and an absolute bubble of fun! Who else would let you sleep during a makeover and totally LOL when you ask them to do anything they want as long as they don’t draw a penis on your face? Lana removed my old makeup (crunchy from no sleep and long days on site) and gave me a fresh, glowing face and beautiful makeup that immediately made me feel a million times better. I am a huge fan of free stuff, especially when it is so enjoyable to go through and makes you feel SMOKING.

Finally, a new skincare range introduced itself to me through the vivacious Roxanne Andrews at  Salon Care: a vegetable-based, all natural and locally manufactured line of skin and body treatments that are carefully constructed without any aggressive chemicals so that your skin is naturally inclined to absorb and utilize these stunning products. Roxanne and I hit it off immediately and I am so happy to have met her and the team at Salon Care because it is such a wonderful, expansive (and inexpensive) range that not only supports local business but is also free from animal testing. Ethical and efficient – exactly what we need in this crazy world! Trained skincare therapists ensure that whatever treatment you choose or products you take home with you for your personal beauty regime; everything is tailored to your specific skin type and aimed at combatting any issues in the most natural and cleansing way possible so that your skin is rejuvenated and as healthy as can be.

What is also exciting is the future relationship between Haute Hoodlum and Salon Care so watch this space, ladies and gentlemen.

Being that I was on duty, I did not get much camera snapping done (oh shame I was too busy getting makeovers and buying OPI nail polish for R50). So a lot of the following images are from the Marie Claire Instagram account, my colleague Michelle and my beautiful friend and fellow blogger Safiyah Vally (check out her newly launched site here).

Thanks to Marie Claire for hosting such an excellent event and for bringing us closer to the industry that we all adore. It is these kinds of initiatives that remind me of how fantastic South Africa is and how far up the international ladder of standards we have climbed.

Dress: H&M

Shoes: Forever 21

Watch: Truworths

Mc and all round beauty Lerato Moloi wearing Thula Sindi and MC editor Aspasia Karras looking AMAZE
Mc and all round beauty Lerato Moloi wearing Thula Sindi and MC editor Aspasia Karras looking AMAZE

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Harrison Lee & Co. Hand Crafted
image taken from Harrison Lee & Co. Hand Crafted
"French quarter for your thoughts" from OPI
“French Quarter For Your Thoughts” from OPI

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Intense Hydrating Mask aka Life Changer
Intense Hydrating Mask aka Life Changer
working hard | hardly working
working hard | hardly working

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COLLAB
COLLAB
iconic Joburg
iconic Joburg

** Inglot is also hosting a bunch of beauty workshops this month at Canal Walk (7 November), Tygervalley (27 November) and The V&A Waterfront (28 November). If you want to attend, email lana@inglot.co.za to book your spot and get ready to learn the tricks of the trade and have a huge chuckle doing so. Salon Care will also be there so it is a great partnership born out of a fabulous event like Beauty Playground.

 

Until next time xxx

Haute Hoodlum