MET GALA 2017: FOR WHO?

OH FFS. Am I really dealing with this again? REALLY?

No better way to get back to being a #blogger than having a meltdown over the lack of originality and commitment to a theme during fashion’s BIGGEST night – the Met Gala. This year’s Costume Institute exhibition pays homage to Rei Kawakubo: founder and creative director of COMME des GARÇONS (the first time the exhibition has been dedicated to a living designer in over thirty years). The first Monday in May, as the ball has come to be known – also the title of an awesome documentary on how the event comes to fruition – coincides with the launch of the exhibition and celebrities and fashion icons are expected to interpret the theme. But what are expectations these days anyway? Clearly nothing when it comes to 2017’s Met Gala because barely anyyyyyone stuck to the theme. I know the invitation read Rei Kawakubo/COMME des GARÇONS: The Art of in Between but in between still infers there is some relation, no? So either the majority of guests are illiterate or too narcissistic to respect the legend and creative brilliance of Kawakubo. Sure, people looked beautiful. But the theme was avant-garde, not beautiful. Take a goddamm risk. Wear something insane. Be outrageous. That’s what COMME des GARÇONS preaches. But no, we were too concerned with looking hot for our ex-boyfriends on the red carpet and getting all the likes on Instagram. Ugh, I’m so annoyed.

Luckily, luckily there were a select few who not only stuck to the theme but also did their part to honour the Japanese designer and so I will give them their due credit. But after that, I’m unleashing my inner Joan Rivers (RIP you fierce queen) because I cannot Comme Des F**k Down (haha, good one Nina).

once again Rihanna WINS the Met Gala. Wearing COMME des GARÇONS and all the confidence we’ve come to expect from the style icon, Bad Girl RiRi perfectly encapsulates the theme while still being sexy AF and fashion forward. dead, dead, dying, gone.
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everything about this is perfection. how does she do it EVERY TIME?

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MAISON MARGIELA
I know this is garish and almost revolting but it is so suited to the theme. it’s outlandish and practically unwearable and bordering on sculptural art and thus it reflects COMME des GARÇONS perfectly. well done Katy Perry, your Maison Margiela has done it for me. and what more do you want, hun. really?

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YESSSSSSSSS ZENDAYA! SLAY QUEEN!
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I know you can’t really tell if she has arms anymore or not but Helen Lasichanh (Pharell’s wife) wore custom COMME des GARÇONS in the iconic red of the house and owwwwwwwned.

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is it a dress? is it a trench? no, it’s Priyanka Chopra killing it and having the moment Rihanna had in that yellow gown extravaganza in 2015
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SENSATIONAL. PERFECTION. GLAMOURRRRRRRRR. LITERALLY THE ART OF IN BETWEEN.rs_634x1024-170501165851-634-met-gala-2017-arrivals-liu-wen

 

 

 

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YES. TAKE THOSE GENDER ROLES AND SWITCH THEM UPPPPPPPPP.

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couples that wears jewel-encrusted capes together, stays together
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paying tribute to the volume and texture associated with COMME des GARÇONS, Solange knocked it out in Thome Browne. also hi a puffer jacket on the Met steps? ya, can do.

The Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art of the In-Between, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA - 01 May 2017BURBERRY

CHANEL
some people hated it, I loved it. this is such a strong look and so different to anything else we saw on the Met steps.

 

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LV
because what is more avant-garde than rocking up on the red carpet clutching your ponytail of dreads? if he’s not careful, Balenciaga might just make a knock-off carry bag of this for $12000.

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now this is how to wear those up-to-your-vagina Balenciaga boots with a pop of avant-garde across that smouldering face

 

OSCAR DE LA RENTA
(not so) mildly obsessed with Zoe Kravitz in this Oscar De La Renta gown. she is just so cool.

CAROLINA HERRERA

another person to wear Kawakubo’s designs, Tracee Ellis Ross looked so cool. yes, I hate the shoes and want to burn them along with all of Madonna’s outfit(s for the past two decades); but she took a risk and played to the theme and I appreciate that.

Unfortunately, life can be a cruel, cruel roller coaster of horrendous emotions. And so my high from such breathtakingly bold sartorial fashion statements came crashing down like an adult-size Jenga tower.

HOW DARE YOU SHIRK THE THEME? A THEME THAT PRAISES A LIVING DESIGNER? A DESIGNER THAT CAN STILL SEE YOU AND HAVE AN OPINION OF WHAT YOU WORE TO HONOUR HER? HELLO THAT IS WAY MORE RESPONSIBILITY TO BE BETTER!

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM SO MAD.

This is like when you organize a birthday party with a theme and all people do is add a Mardi Gras beaded necklace they stole once from a shitty bar and some sunglasses. NO. UNACCEPTABLE.

Off with their heads!

The Costume Institute Benefit celebrating the opening of Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art of the In-Between, Arrivals, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA - 01 May 2017
yes yes yes beautiful gorgeous blah blah blah. but, especially as a co-host to this event, you completely disregarded any notion of a theme! RUDE. RUDE. RUUUUUDE.
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no no no Bella my love. this pains me. I love you. but this is just NOT working. take that away from me and don’t save it for The Weeknd (get it? get it?)
"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals
Sofia Richie you look like an animal suffering from an oil spill trying to be one of the cool kids with your leather jacket. sit yo dumb ass down.

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OMMY H
could have been cool. coulda woulda shoulda. and tuck your dam hair back.
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you’re so basic and predictable Kylie. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if you pulled out a lip kit and starting swatching your left arm.

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"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals
Amy you look like a rubbish bag threw up in Batman’s closet.

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BUT WHY?
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literally just fell asleep looking at you
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my granny’s lampshade called and wants its fringe back
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between you and Mindy Kaling, my grandmother is now devoid of lampshades.

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this is fundamentally difficult for me because I love and respect you and you’re pregnant. but this is one of the most unflattering excuses for a dress I have ever laid eyes on. it looks cheap and nasty. none of which you are.
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starry starry nightMARE

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PRADA
Lupita, I love you and Prada so much but you look like a sea urchin trying to escape a tissue paper parade

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

MARCHESA RITA
love your hair, hate that you look like a Christmas present at a slutty Halloween party

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

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were the theme Ballerina Lost in the Woods, you would have nailed it. but it wasn’t. so you didn’t. you are the weakest link, goodbye.
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I’m sorry but since when is Gwyneth sill relevant? you and Katie Holmes need to call an uber and GTFO.
WESTWOOD
how is it that you are wearing one of the biggest names in fashion and subcultural cool and you look boring? Kim, not even Dame Vivienne Westwood helps you here.
TOPSHOP
my skat Behati jy is so wonderlik maar WAT DIE FOK. I know you and your mate Candice probably just wanted to look beautiful after giving birth and as a woman I respect that, but DO MORE. YOU ARE AT AN AVANT-GARDE EVENT. the best this is is an edgy Matric Dance dress.
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sure, you look REALLY good debuting as a couple. but have some edge. you’re both young and have the ability to do so much more with fashion. especially the first Monday in May. this is underwhelming.
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everyone loved this but its so done. I’ve seen this before Lily Collins. or are you Rooney Mara? ag who cares.
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this literally happens every year but WHERE DOES YOUR SKIN START AND YOUR DRESS END?
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Karlie Kloss, you look like the even more lesbian version of Hillary Clinton in the 80s.

"Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garcons: Art Of The In-Between" Costume Institute Gala - Arrivals

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please stop. and what is going on with your hair? is it just the offset of the person behind you or was that stupid spike intentional?
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talking of stupid spikes…
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Madonna you genuinely give me the heebie jeebies at the best of times and now because you look like if the Blair Witch Project went to bootcamp.

Cannot.

I need a drink.

Until next time xxx

Haute Hoodlum

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GOLDEN GLOBES 2016: WOMP WOMP

Oops, they did it again.

“New Year, New Me” clearly has not managed to infiltrate the stylist circle of Hollywood because the 2016 Golden Globes red carpet just killed me. The awards took place on Sunday (Sunday Not-So-Funday after watching these hideous frocks gallivant down the carpet) and as usual, I was disappointed. What is going on over there? Is there something in the ever-decreasing California water that has caused the disastrous style movement of wearing boring, been-there-worn-that pieces? Dejavu is no fun when what you’re seeing is a bunch of rubbish.

But all for a good cause – a Haute Hoodlum red carpet rant. The first of the year, nogal!

So sit back and get ready to start throwing your popcorn at the screen. Oh no wait, that’s not what this is…

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this is like a knife to the heart. firstly, anyone who knows me knows how much I adore Eddie Redmayne and his style aesthetic. He has fun with fashion and effortlessly strays from the traditional path of a black and white tux. But his best accessory should be his wife and VADDIE FOK is going on with her? The dress is revolting and so badly tailored – the bust is so unflattering and those thick straps look like a sports bra. then there is that necklace that is too long and falls into her boobs and looks like what your 13 year old cousin made at market day at school.
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to be perfectly honest I’m a little scared to put Jason Statham on here in case he gets wind of my insults and finds a way to hurt me (a genuine fear I used to have about that wrestler, The Undertaker, when I was 7). however, I’m a brave soul so here goes. this brown velvet blazer is so boxy and so mismatched to those pants, he looks like the dark chocolate candybar that never made it out of Willy Wonka’s testing room.
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100% sure I had this dress in navy in 2007 and have subsequently burnt all pictures of me in because it is so ugly.
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another one of last year’s superstars, Uzo Aduba from OITNB. my first problem is that sleeve – does it wrap aound the back of her like a seatbelt gone wrong? or a batwing that has lost it’s body? it’s too old for her. this is what Jane Fonda SHOULD have worn. or Dame Helen Mirren #grandmagoals.
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sorry but who invited Kirsten Dunst to the Golden Globes? and where is the rest of her dress?
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oh Amy. Amy, Amy, Amy. I get it. you’re sick of just being the funny girl who falls on red carpets and makes hilarious jokes about herself not being skinny enough for Hollywood. you’re brilliant at it. but you wanted something different and classic and elegant. what you got was boring and completely unsuited to who (I think) you are. and that hair needs to go home to it’s debutant ball in Alabama.
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this woman was on my worst dressed lists pretty much all throughout the 2015 Awards Season. clearly she’s a creature of comfort.
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oh my good Lord. Jane Fonda, do me a favour and go get changed into Uzo Aduba’s black sequined dress because this meringue cream puff is a DISASTER.
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didn’t you wear this last year in a different colour? I know it must be very challenging for bigger woman to find beautiful, flattering dresses for these events but there is no need to have your already bad choices on a loop, Melissa.
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oh Kate. you are such a style icon and so sensational. this is just so tired. maybe it wss an ode to Titanic and the heart of the ocean but in reality the only connection this dress has to the Titanic is how much it sunk to the bottom.

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julianne-moore-golden-globes-2016 TOM FORD
YOU WORE THIS LAST YEAR IN GREEN YOU LAZY BINT!
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this reminds me of that really cool bio-luminescence phenomenon you can see on the shore sometimes at night. but in a bad way. the way that Disney would use in a child’s animation when the princess gets lost in the forest. in fact I’m pretty sure that’s a still from when Snow White runs away from the huntsman and the forest comes alive and she collapses.

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viola-davis-golden-globes-2016 MARCHESA
this really hurts me to do because I love Viola Davis. she is so often one of my favourite woman on the red carpet because she exudes strength and beauty and is not afraid to break fashion boundaries with her style choices. but this is too much. firstly, HAS SHE SEEN HER ARMS? I would bench press my worst enemy to have arms like that. so why would you cover them up, Viola? and then the ombre sparkle. it’s just not you. it doesn’t work. you need to stick to clean lines and pure colours, not this 1950s ballroom ballbuster.
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it’s the draping. I just can’t. this dress would have been… fine… without those layers and layers of handkerchief sleeves falling behind her. the colour is pretty sensational on her but the sleeves are just too much, especially for such a petite woman. and the cowl neck also makes me want to vomit TBH.

These next few dresses I have a serious problem with. Nudes and neutrals can be a smash hit on the red carpet and there have been some exquiiiiiiiisite dresses in recent years that were on the skin-tone spectrum. But when I cannot tell where you end and your dresses begins, you’re going to be on this list. I do not wish to play and hide with you and what you’re wearing.

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this Alexander McQueen would be so spectacular on anyone else. even another pasty patsy. but not on you, Rooney Mara. you look like a giant ball of skin and it’s giving me the creeps.

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amanda-peet-golden-globes-2016
Amanda Peet, where are you?

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is this person even real?
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this could have worked. the colour is so beautiful on Leslie Mann and the bottom half of the dress is actually very pretty. but the top just frumps. and that necklace is so unnecessary. this is just a case of bad styling and an ill-fitting dress that ruins what could have been.

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OH HELL NO KATY PERRY. I mean, we get it. you have boobs. but this dress looks like it is a size too small just so that you can show them off. and that’s not even the worst part. THAT BEEHIVE ON YOUR HEAD?!?!? honestly if there is a storm, avoid Katy Perry because her hair would be the highest point for lightning to strike.
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another repeat of a dress I am almost certain Emmy Rossum has worn; just with her hair up in a quaff. BUH-HOR-RING.

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maggie-gyllenhaal-golden-globes-2016 MARC JACOBS
hey Maggie, the waiting room from the 70s pyschedelic doctor called and it wants it’s wallpaper back.
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again with the sleeves??? clearly you share a stylist with Jada Pinkett-Smith. or maybe Guiliana had an aerial yoga class that she got stuck in.

That’s it for now. Keep an eye open for the best-dressed list, because luckily for my heart and soul there are those who actually do it right.

Until next time xxx

Haute Hoodlum

MET GALA 2015: THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS

Ok, I can breathe again. There is a light at the end of the very dark and hideous fashion tunnel.

Below are my choices for best dressed at this year’s Met Gala. I already know that some people are going to disagree wholeheartedly and that is totally cool. One of fashion’s greatest values is its ability to initiate conversation formed from a difference of opinions. Style is subjective, too, so we will never agree on everything. So let me know who you loved or hated in the comments section at the end of this post; I would really love to hear from you guys!

Some of these looks are my favourite because they are just exquisite and beautifully styled (from shoes and accessories to hair and makeup). But most of them are more beautiful to me because they either represent  a fashion risk (this night is all about couture, innovative style, and fashion MOMENTS, after all) or because they actually took the theme to heart. For those who are unsure; the Met Gala is hosted at The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York and takes place the same day that the museum opens its annual fashion exhibition. The theme for the gala is extrapolated from the exhibition – they are not the same but are similar. The 2015 fashion exhibition at the Met is China: Through The Looking Glass and the gala followed with a theme that encapsulates just that in forms of art and fashion.

A lot of people blatantly ignore the theme and that kinda pisses me off. So when someone incorporates it into their ensemble; I am already looking at it more closely and with more respect. At least, initially.

So here we are, my best dressed from Monday’s Met Gala…

As usual, RIRI pulled out all the stops and has created a massive divide between those who love this and those who absolutely hate it (or as Sam Sam so brilliantly put it, thinks it looks like scrambled egg; which I actually cannot argue with). But the more I look at this, the more I die of obsession over it. That fabric is PHENOMENAL and the train is everything. This is the goddam Met Gala people; so why not? This is fashion. It’s couture. It’s a risk. It is dramatic to the next lev. IT IS PERFECTION.

Rihanna-2-Vogue-5May15-Getty_b_646x430 Rihanna-Vogue-5May15-Getty__426x639

seriously, Rihanna is so beautiful it hurts me to look at her.
seriously, Rihanna is so beautiful it hurts me to look at her.
ok, so she was two hours late and that did irritate me but at least she looked killerrrrrrrrrrr. this is how to show skin and be chic and have an element of the Orient (in her hairstyle). QUEEN BEY.
ok, so she was two hours late and that did irritate me but at least she looked killerrrrrrrrrrr. this is how to show skin and be chic and have an element of the Orient (in her hairstyle). QUEEN BEY.

Kim-Kardashian-Vogue-5May15-Getty__426x639 roberto cavalli by peter dundas

I have to hand it to them. Kimye look unbeeeeeeleeeev.
I have to hand it to them. Kimye look unbeeeeeeleeeev.
Liya Kibede in a 3.1 Phillip Lim pantsuit is everything my dreams are made of.
Liya Kibede in a 3.1 Phillip Lim pantsuit is everything my dreams are made of.
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Jenna Lyons may have lost her signature specs, but her style savvy remains.
Cara wore this incredible Stella Mccartney jumpsuit and hand drawn tattoos and nailed it.
Cara wore this incredible Stella Mccartney jumpsuit and hand drawn tattoos and nailed it.

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THE QUEEN DOES IT AGAIN. Anna Wintour looks remarkable in chanel Couture and her daughter's Alexander McQueen dress is TO DIE FOR.
THE QUEEN DOES IT AGAIN. Anna Wintour looks remarkable in Chanel Couture and her daughter’s Alexander McQueen dress is TO DIE FOR.

Gong-Li-Vogue-5May15-Getty_b_426x639 roberto cavalli by peter dundas

LOVE THIS. Rose Byrne in laser-cut leather from Calvin Klein Collection.
LOVE THIS. Rose Byrne in laser-cut leather from Calvin Klein Collection.
if I even look half as hot as a granny as Helen Mirren; I wold have made it in life.
if I even look half as hot as Helen Mirren when I’m a granny; I would have made it in life.
Cara's older sister, Poppy Delevingne, wore this stunning red Marchesa gown that was finished with... you guesses it - poppies.
Cara’s older sister, Poppy Delevingne, wore this stunning red Marchesa gown that was finished with… you guessed it – poppies.
Sienna-Miller-Vogue-5May15-Getty__426x639 thakoon
dying. dead. done. obsessed. OBSESSED!

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KK always wins at the Met Gala. remember her blue embellished gown of note last year? I do.
KK always wins at the Met Gala. remember her blue embellished Marchesa ballgown last year? I do.

I don't even know why but I am obsessed with this entire look on Zendaya.

i know a lot of people hated this and joked about her headpiece but I am obsessed! this is so SJP, so suited to the theme, so high fashion.
I know a lot of people hated this and joked about her headpiece but I am obsessed! this is so SJP, so suited to the theme, so high fashion.

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ohhhhhhhh my Lord. Behati you beauty!
ohhhhhhhh my Lord. Behati you beauty!

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my favourite model, Joan smalls, looks exquiiiiiiiiisite in this Roberto Cavalli by Peter dundas dress. jaw officially dropped.
my favourite model, Joan Smalls, looks exquiiiiiiiiisite in this Roberto Cavalli by Peter Dundas dress. jaw officially dropped.

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Alexa Chung wore Erdem on her dress and on her arm as her date.
Alexa Chung wore Erdem on her dress and on her arm (as her date).
Georgia May Jagger was so on point in this perfectly-to-the-theme Gucci wrap. plus the styling is everything. so well put together!
Georgia May Jagger was so on point in this perfectly-to-the-theme Gucci wrap. plus the styling is impeccable. so well put together!

Irina-Shayk-Vogue-5May15-Getty_b_426x639 Kerry-Washington-Vogue-5May15-Rex_b_426x639 prada

Emily Blunt. Embellished Prada. Cape. thank you, I can die happy now.
Emily Blunt. Embellished Prada. Cape.
thank you, I can die happy now.

Alicia-Keys-Jean-Paul-Gaultier-Vogue-5May15-Rex_b_426x639

at least one Kravitz woman rocked the red carpet...
at least one Kravitz woman rocked the red carpet…

Ivanka-Trump-Vogue-5May15-Rex_b_426x639 Kendall-Jenner-Vogue-5May15-Rex__426x639 calvin klein collection

I CANNOT EVEN. this is hands down one of my favourite looks (ever).
I CANNOT EVEN.
this is hands down one of my favourite looks (ever).

Kate-Mara-Diane-von-Furstenberg-Vogue-5May15-Rex_b_426x639

Emily Ratawhatwhat in custom Topshop. knocked it out the park.
Emily Ratawhatwhat in custom Topshop. knocked it out the park.
thank you Lady Gaga for bringing the drama back to the Met Gala! this Balenciaga masterpeice is made for you babes.
thank you Lady Gaga for bringing the drama back to the Met Gala! this Balenciaga masterpiece is made for you babes.

Let’s hear it for the boys…

congrats on being the coolest couple I've never met (bot wearing custom Topshop).
congrats on being the coolest couple I’ve never met (bot wearing custom Topshop).
my favourites!
my favourites!

The Metropolitan Museum of Art's COSTUME INSTITUTE Benefit Celebrating the Opening of China: Through the Looking Glass - Red Carpet Arrivals

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I know, i am as surpised as you that Justin Bieber is on this list. especially with those stupid sunnies. but I have to give him credit on this one. that Balmain embellished blazer is sensational.
I know, I am as surprised as you are that Justin Bieber is on this list. especially with those stupid sunnies. but I have to give him credit on this one. that Balmain embellished blazer and sash belt is sensational.

Adrian Brody looks like sex right now. I would.

Thank the Pope for these beauties. Now I can sleep peacefully.

Until next time xxx

Haute Hoodlum

ACADEMY AWARDS 2015: LUH-HOOOOSERS

Oh, you thought I wasn’t going to post my worst dressed from the 87th Academy Awards just because I was so impressed with the red carpet? You thought that because I was on site on events all day and contracted the Black Plague that I would rid you of your sartorial pleasures by not dishing out harsh criticisms? You thought I would spare those idiots that thought they rocked the red carpet?

THINK AGAIN.

Always, always be prepared for a Haute Hoodlum rant because let’s face it – it’s what I do. Tearing through the mirage of golden gowns and exposing those stupid enough to wear a dress that doesn’t fit and looks terrible and is just plain hideous is one of my greatest strengths (and joys in life). Awards Season is now over and you, my sweet loves, shall be treated to one last worst dressed of the period: The Oscars. Hollywood’s biggest night and, so often, fashion’s biggest failures.

I don’t need to go into detail about the underwhelming nature of expectant red carpets (I realize that sounds like red carpets who are 8 months pregnant but I have the flu so please overlook that) so, for the last time this season, I will leave you with my choices for the train wreck catastrophes at the 2015 Oscars.

Have fun little darlings…

Anna Kendrick prides herself on ebing quirky and weird and alternative but then she shows up on the red carpet looking (pretty but) BORING AS FVCK. c'man gurl, spice it up a little.
Anna Kendrick prides herself on being quirky and weird and alternative but then she shows up on the red carpet looking (pretty but) BORING AS FVCK. c’maaaaan, spice it up a little.
Gwynie, my girl, if you're going to try and remind us all that you're relative please do not do so by wearing a revamped version of your famous other pink Oscars dress with the flower from Carrie Bradshaw's opening look in the Sex and The City Movie on your shoulder.
Gwynie, my girl, if you’re going to try and remind us all that you’re still relevant please do not do so by wearing a revamped version of that other pink Oscars dress worn with the shoulder flower from Carrie Bradshaw’s opening look in the Sex and The City Movie.
Viola, you usually look so exceptionally beautiful but this dress is just ugly and the shape does not do you any justice and the space between the dress and the necklace is just OFF. please go back to being stunning.
Viola, you usually look so exceptionally beautiful but this dress is just ugly and the shape does not do you any justice and the space between the dress and the necklace is just OFF. please go back to being stunning.
sorry, Felicity. you may have had a breakout role in The Theory of Everything; but you know nothing when it comes to fashion. bye.
sorry, Felicity. you may have had a breakout role in The Theory of Everything; but you know nothing when it comes to fashion. bye.

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please note this choice has nothing to do with her dreadlocks (for those who don't know, I am referring to the blow up on social media around Guilianna Rancic's ignorant dreadlocks comment). Zendaya is on this list, not for the first time, because she looks way too skinny and this dress does not fit well and she could do so much better. I actually love her hair, especially for the stuck-up-your-arse-Oscars but the outfit and styling is just a flop.
please note this choice has nothing to do with her dreadlocks (for those who don’t know, I am referring to the blow up on social media around Guilianna Rancic’s ignorant dreadlocks comment). Zendaya is on this list, not for the first time, because she looks way too skinny and this dress does not fit well and she could do so much better. I actually love her hair, especially for the stuck-up-your-arse-Oscars but the outfit and styling is just a flop.

Julianne Moore, I have a bone to pick with you. This entire Awards Season you have been absolutely killing it in the fashion department. You have shown all these young girls how to dress with class and sex appeal and have worn some of the most exquisite gowns I have ever seen. You are also pasty with red hair and yet you have looked INCREDIBLE every single time. You have also won every single time. So surely, suuuuurely, you at least had an inkling that you would win the Oscar. In my mind that means wearing the most sensational dress that flatters you in all the right ways and makes you look like the glamourous, beautiful woman and movie star that you are. So you went with Chanel. A good choice for a winner. But this Chanel? ARE YOU FVCKING KIDDING ME? This dress is the same colour as your above mentioned pasty skin and, albeit exquisite on the runway or on a model, is so completely underwhelming on you. It does not hug your curves or enhance your figure and simply does not make an impact. And that makes me very sad.

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I love Lady Gaga. I love this dress. I love her hair and makeup. but why, oh why, did she wear those ruh-volthing red latex gloves? did she do the dishes before leaving the house and suddenly realize she was running late? maybe she came from the set of the new season of American Horror Story: Hotel and forgot to leave the props behind. who knows, it just doesn't work. and if it doesn't work on Gags then you know its fvcked up.
I love Lady Gaga. I love this dress. I love her hair and makeup. but why, oh why, did she wear those ruh-volthing red latex gloves? did she do the dishes before leaving the house and suddenly realize she was running late? maybe she came from the set of the new season of American Horror Story: Hotel and forgot to leave the props behind. who knows, it just doesn’t work. and if it doesn’t work on Gags then you know its fvcked up.

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hate her. hate that Vuitton dress. hate that completely unnecessary belt hate her massive forehead.
hate her. hate that Vuitton dress that looks like it is made from the row of colour-changing-in-the-lights sequin material you buy from your local Chinese store. hate that completely unnecessary belt. hate her massive forehead.
UM NO. that Justin Bieber sweep should be left in 2009 where it belongs.
2009 Justin Bieber called and he wants his hair back.
Margot Robbie you are so exquisite and you are wearing Saint Laurent and yet somehow you still managed to look frumpy delumpy. go home and change.
Margot Robbie you are so exquisite and you are wearing Saint Laurent and yet somehow you still managed to look frumpy delumpy. go home and change.

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you know what kills me the most of this hole outfit (and the fact that it is NOT the first time Kelly is on my worst dressed list)? That middle strap on the shoe! this looks like ouma se skoene van die Matriek afskeid.
you know what kills me the most of this whole outfit (and the fact that it is NOT the first time Kelly is on my worst dressed list)? That middle strap on the shoe! this looks like ouma se skoene van die Matriek afskeid.

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Solange, you are the queen of cool. You are a style icon. neither of which are apparent with this monstrosity of an outfit.
Solange, you are the queen of cool. you are a style icon. neither of which are apparent here.

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too much fabric, too much pull & gathering, not enough beautiful.
too much fabric, too much ruching, too much delicate sparkle that barely makes a sound, not enough beautiful.
this is just the most confusing thing I have ever seen.
this is just the most confusing thing I have ever seen.
BRUSH YOUR HAIR. THIS IS THE OSCARS GADDAMIT.
BRUSH YOUR HAIR. THIS IS THE OSCARS GADDAMIT.

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And then, just when you thought that you had made sense of the pitfalls and wrapped your head around these style sacrifices; this bint arrived looking like a bad comedown. I don’t know who you are or what your deal is, but if you are going to walk the Oscars red carpet then please refrain from looking like a drug-induced prozzie that made her dress out of leftover Asian restaurant curtains and silk from the hotel she snuck out of at 5am.

Until next time xxx

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Haute Hoodlum

ACADEMY AWARDS 2015: AND THE WINNER IS…

And so it finally happened – the biggest night in awards season took place last night and after all the huffing and puffing we eventually wound up with some spectacular red carpet fashion choices! The 87th Annual Academy Awards  marked the end of a long and often treacherous awards season that had its fair share of dreary dresses and WHAT THE ACTUALS? But there is a light at the end of that dark fashion don’ts tunnel, and that light shone bright last night.

Don’t get too excited, there is MUH-HOST DEFS a red carpet rant in the wings; but for now let us revel in the wows and yesses and the oh-my-goodness-she-finally-got-it-rights!

No surprise as to the night’s biggest winners in terms of who took home little golden men; but I am happy to report that some of this season’s worst dressed pulled their shit together (or hired new stylists) and NAILED it. I’m looking at you, Rosamund Pike.

The Oscars stuck to a colour palette of mostly monochrome, sparkles and nudes, with a few stars going for bold and bright primary colours: trends that echo the entire season and are a surefire sign of what’s to come in department stores and local lookbooks in the coming months.

So here we go, the end of the journey and my penultimate post for the 2015 Awards Show series: the best dressed at the 87th Academy Awards.

Let me know your thoughts and if you like what you see here, don’t be afraid to hit that follow button! There is so much in store for Haute Hoodlum this year, you really don’t want to miss out (plus I literally get funnier every day).

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YES YES YES MY GUUUUURL LUPITS! a Calvin Klein dress made entirely of pearls and she looks sensational.
YES YES YES MY GUUUUURL LUPITS! a Calvin Klein dress made entirely of pearls and she looks sensational.

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hands down of the best dressed at The Oscars and of the entire season: Emma Stone and this Elie Saab Couture golden masterpiece were born to be together
hands down of the best dressed at The Oscars and of the entire season: Emma Stone and this Elie Saab Couture golden masterpiece were born to be together. perfectly styled from her hair to her lip colour to the shoes. FINISHED.

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Custom Dior. nuff said.
Custom Christian Dior. ’nuff said.

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Chrissy has been so consistently flawless this awards season and she isn't even an actress nominated for anything. just goes to show (I don't know what but whatever it is, she is showing us!)
Chrissy has been so consistently flawless this awards season and she isn’t even an actress nominated for anything. just goes to show (I don’t know what but whatever it is, she is showing it right off!)
I love Meryl Streep. Everybody loves Meryl Streep. she is SUBLIME> but she often looks frumpy and dowdy. not this time baby! this Lanvin outfit is everyyyyyyything.
I love Meryl Streep. Everybody loves Meryl Streep. she is SUBLIME> but she often looks frumpy and dowdy. not this time baby! this Lanvin outfit is everyyyyyyything.
if I'm not mistaken, this is the first time we have seen a Peter Pilotto for Oscar De La Renta dress on the red carpet and it is mesmerizing.
if I’m not mistaken, this is the first time we have seen a Peter Copping for Oscar De La Renta dress on the red carpet and it is utterly mesmerizing.

 

Cate Blanchett wowed in this John Galliano for Maison Margiela number and Tiffany statement jewels.
Cate Blanchett wowed in this John Galliano for Maison Margiela number and Tiffany statement jewels.
I am usually left underwhelmed by Jessica hatain but this is exquisite. head-to-toe.
I am usually left underwhelmed by Jessica hatain but this is exquisite. head-to-toe.
I am forthing over Rita Ora in this Marchesa dress. PERFECTION.
I am frothing over Rita Ora in this Marchesa dress. PERFECTION.

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I usually fall asleep looking at this bint but she looks beautiful in this Saint Laurent red numbers o well done
I usually fall asleep looking at this bint but she looks beautiful. no fuss needed, she is a simple girl who should wear simple, elegant pieces like this red Saint Laurent number.
finallyyyyyyyyyy Ros! at least she saved this impeccable Givenchy Couture dress for the big night. literally dying over how stunning she looks.
finallyyyyyyyyyy Ros! at least she saved this impeccable Givenchy Couture dress for the big night. literally dying over how stunning she looks.
you're young and fresh and wearing a pocketed Miu Miu dress to The Oscars. SHAME.
you’re young and fresh and wearing a pocketed Miu Miu dress to The Oscars. SHAME.

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Jen, you look really beautiful in this Atelier Versace gown so I will overlook the fact that you haven't changed your look since 2002.
Jen, you look really beautiful in this Atelier Versace gown so I will overlook the fact that you haven’t changed your hair since 2002.

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Zoe Saldana just gave birth to twins, I'll give you a moment to reconcile that thought...
Zoe Saldana just gave birth to twins, I’ll give you a moment to reconcile that thought…
staright off the Valentino Couture runway and covered in love letters, this is how you dress a pregnant stomach for Awards season.
staright off the Valentino Couture runway and covered in love letters, this is how you dress a pregnant stomach for Awards season.
that is how you dress when you are larger (than life)
that is how you dress when you are larger (than life)
could not love this image more if I tried
could not love this image more if I tried
these two get it right every gaddam time.
these two get it right every gaddam time.

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what a hot couple. I can't get over these two. and I love how slick onse Behati looked.
what a hot couple. I can’t get over these two. and I love how slick and chic onse Behati looked.

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the couple that wears McQueen together, stays together.

 

that is the look of a winner. also, it doesn't hurt that Eddie is wearing bespoke Alexander McQueen (as did his new wife).

a navy suit is such a great alternative to the usual black and white palette men stick to. WOOP GO ANSEL WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS.
a navy suit is such a great alternative to the usual black and white palette men stick to. WOOP GO ANSEL WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS.

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OBSESSED WITH YOU DAVID OYELOWO! not the first time this incredible man has worn Dolce & Gabbana on the red carpet and not the first time he has worn something different and exciting and not the first time I have DIED over how phenomenal he is.
OBSESSED WITH YOU DAVID OYELOWO! not the first time this incredible man has worn Dolce & Gabbana on the red carpet, not the first time he has worn something different and exciting and not the first time I have DIED over how phenomenal he is.

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UM HI THERE
UM HI THERE

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Jesus has never looked so hot
Jesus has never looked so hot

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And one more for good luck…

ummmm sorry, Ugly Betty, is that you? what a vision!
ummmm sorry, Ugly Betty, is that you? what a vision!

Until next time xxx

Haute Hoodlum

BAFTAS: JOLLY GOOD SHOW

FINALLY, AN AWARDS SHOW WITH FASHION WINNERS!

My goodness, how long has this taken? Too long, duh. But let us not look a gift horse in the mouth because the Fashion Gods have smiled upon us mere mortals and presented us with actual wow moments on a red carpet. The 2015 BAFTAS was a roaring success sartorially, and I am so thrilled to be sitting here writing this post. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love the Brits and how much I love London. And fashion. So when you combine all of these elements into one shining beacon of cinematic stardom; well ya got me. Ya got me gooooooood.

The BAFTAS took place the same night as The Grammys and ICMYI, I already rounded up my best and worst dressed from the music awards earlier this week. But thank goodness for the BAFTAS because there is strength in redemption and light at the end of a very dark awards season tunnel. This is not to say there weren’t some terrors on the red carpet; but there might not have been enough to warrant a rant (say that fast ten times).

So here you go, the belles of the ball (and the beaus, too) that restored my hope in celebrity style.

Julianne Moore is showing all those young starlets HOW IT'S DONE. absolutely nailing this awards season, wearing Tom Ford to the BAFTAS.
Julianne Moore is showing all those young starlets HOW IT’S DONE. absolutely nailing this awards season, wearing Tom Ford to the BAFTAS.

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Gugu Mbatha-Raw vamped up this very pretty Prada gown with jet black nails and a black clutch AND I LOVE IT.
Gugu Mbatha-Raw vamped up this very, very pretty Prada gown with jet black nails and a black clutch AND I LOVE IT.
shut the front door.
shut the front door.
Lea Seydoux in Prada is everything I wish for in life
Lea Seydoux in Prada is everything I wish for in life
if anyone is going to pull off Mortitia Adams and look this exquisitely beautiful, it's going to be Monica Bellucci.
if anyone is going to pull off Mortitia Adams and look this exquisitely beautiful, it’s going to be Monica Bellucci.

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FINALLY. Gone Girl star, Rosamund Pike, knocks it out the park in Roland Mouret.
FINALLY. Gone Girl star, Rosamund Pike, knocks it out of the park in Roland Mouret.

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another Emilia Wickstead showstopper. this time on Laura Bailey.
another Emilia Wickstead showstopper. this time on Laura Bailey.
OMG. this is just utter perfection.
OMG. this is just utter perfection.

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Good Lord you are so cute
Good Lord you are so cute I could die

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MAN CRUSH MONDAY ALL DAY EVERYDAY
MAN CRUSH MONDAY ALL DAY EVERYDAY
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this guy plays Dracula in a TV series. there’s a dirty joke in there somewhere, but I’ll let you find it yourself

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Steve Carell, when did you get so sexy? WOAH.
Steve Carell, when did you get so sexy? WOAH.

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I WOULD. I TOTALLY WOULD. COME AT ME, DOUGLAS BOOTH.
I WOULD, DOUGLAS BOOTH. I TOTALLY WOULD.

And in case that wasn’t enough, this happened at the Chanel pre-BAFTA party: Tom Ford and Julianne Moore partied like it was 1999.

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Oh how lovely it is to be impressed.

Until next time xxx

Haute Hoodlum

GRAMMYS 2015: FALLING FLAT

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Good Lord I love the Grammys. Yesterday I posted about the celebrities who rocked the red carpet (ICMYI; here is that post), but today I get to sink my teeth into the utter idiots who fell short of anything fashionable by being blatantly ridiculous. We all know that the Grammys is a place for risk and reward; but sometimes that risk just goes a leeeeeetle bit off chart and into the land of fashion failure.

Sure, you’re musicians and you’re tweaking out on all the drugs you’ve just taken and people are making you believe you look TOTALLY AWESOME.

You don’t.

You went for that elusive high note and fell horribly flat and now you’re just a weirdo on the red carpet that everyone is judging because why are you wearing that and who are you in the first place? She doesn’t even go here.

But hey, you have given me the greatest material for my red carpet rant. I didn’t even have to try.

So here you go, the train wrecks from Sunday night’s Grammy Awards. Trust me when I say this is going to be one helluva ride…

ahnds down the worst outfit of the night. in fact worst outfit for an undisclosed amount of time because Madonna i a sorry but you are no longer like a virgin and it isn't 1985 and you need to GO HOME.
hands down the worst outfit of the night. in fact worst outfit for an undisclosed amount of time because Madonna I am sorry but you are no longer like a virgin and it isn’t 1985 and you need to GO HOME.

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Tom Ford you must be so ashamed. Nicki, this is just BAD. so, so, SO fvckin bad.
Tom Ford you must be so ashamed. Nicki, this is just BAD. so, so, SO bad.

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cut outs are lame now Miles. especially when you can pretty much see your vagina.
cut outs are lame now Miles. especially when you can pretty much see your vagina.

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oh dear me. you're new to all of this so I get it; you were excited to wear a pretty dress and meet your boy band crushes. and then you wore this? babes, WHY! this fits terribly, it is way too old for you and that off brown tight piece under the overpoweringly hideous lace IS NOT WORKING. you might be all about that bass but I am all about get off the red carpet.
oh dear me. you’re new to all of this so I get it; you were excited to wear a pretty dress and meet your boy band crushes. and then you wore this? babes, WHY! this fits terribly, it is way too old for you, those YDE shoes need to go and that off brown tight piece under the overpoweringly hideous lace IS NOT WORKING. you might be all about that bass but I am all about get the hell  off the red carpet.

** Disclaimer: I love boy bands. They’re my guilty pleasure.

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it kills me to have Kelly on this list because she is my spirit animal but this raccoon eye flop is too ugly for me to ignore.
it kills me to have Kelly on this list because she is my spirit animal but this raccoon eye flop is too ugly for me to ignore.

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OMG Paris Hilton you look like you have an Angry bird plastered over your upper body. an Angry Bird slash Grampa Penguin that flew into Elton John's wardrobe malfunction.
Paris Hilton you look like you have an Angry Bird plastered over your upper body. an Angry Bird slash Grampa Penguin that flew into Elton John’s wardrobe malfunction.
this chick is slowly creeping up my Taylor Swift ladder for most annoying product of pop. that hairstyle needs to be burnt off your head and your attempt at sex appeal in this confused as fvck Versace number is not helping you either.
this chick is slowly creeping up my Taylor Swift ladder for most annoying product of pop. that hairstyle needs to be burnt off your head and your attempt at sex appeal in this confused as fvck Versace number is not helping you either. AND THE SHOES? nee fok meisie.
J Huds you have lost all this weight and have the most beautiful, fresh face and you wore this boring white mini because you thought it would remind us all who you are even though you haven't done anything since 2009. well you're boring and I already forgot your name, so FAIL.
J Huds you have lost all this weight and have the most beautiful, fresh face and you wore this boring white mini because you thought it would remind us all who you are even though you haven’t done anything since 2009. well you’re boring and I already forgot your name, so FAIL.

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WHAT THE ACTUAL? did the colour run when you tried to wash this at the $1 laundry store? you are weird as shit and your bad acid trip is evident on this stupid outfit.
WHAT THE ACTUAL? did the colour run when you tried to wash this at the $1 laundry store? you are weird as shit and your bad acid trip is evident on this stupid outfit.

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oh look it's Miley's one-hit-wonder creepo dad and his dip-dyed facial hair.
oh look it’s Miley’s one-hit-wonder creepo dad and his dip-dyed facial hair.
this is what happens when you are having a mid-life crisis: you get an idiotic tribal tattoo that doesn't mean anything and your wife attempts to be one of the hot older bitches in Thierry Mugler and you guys go the Grammys and realize you're 100 years older than everyone and you cry yourself to sleep.
this is what happens when you are having a mid-life crisis: you get an idiotic tribal tattoo that doesn’t mean anything and your wife attempts to be one of the hot older bitches in Thierry Mugler and you guys go the Grammys only to realize you’re 100 years older than everyone and you cry yourself to sleep.

And just in case you aren’t already traumatized like I am; here is a friendly reminder that Madge obviously forgot where she was after stealing a Spanish bull-fighter’s hat and  running into a Victorian stripper outfit from the Charles Dickens shop down the road. Look at the confusion on her old, wrinkly face. She’s like “WHERE AM I? HOW DID I GET HERE? WHO IS THIS NERD GRABBING MY LEATHERY ARM THAT’S YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE MY SON? ARE MY BOOBS GOING TO FALL OUT? WHERE ARE MY PANTS?”

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Oh boy but the Grammys are priceless. I mean, sure, every red carpet has it’s blunders but these okes just take it to another level. CLASSIC.

Let me know who you think dropped off the playlist in the comments section below, I always love hearing your opinions!

Until next time xxx

Haute Hoodlum